DENNY & KATE

Citizens of the Real World don't have to join the League of Themselves to have an impact in Toobworld; they don't even need a televersion to stand in for them "as seen on TV". Many times their lives are fictionalized in the Television Universe within the dialogue or by the actions of other characters.

For example, the ashes of venerable Chinese philosopher Confucius, who died in 479 B.C., were washed away down a Los Angeles sewer drain in 1968. ('The Outsider' - "As Cold As Ashes")

Egyptian President Anwar Sadat was assassinated by The Viper, once considered "The Deadliest Man Alive". (The Viper later met his match against 'Walker, Texas Ranger'.)

And this past week in the "Race Ipsa" episode on 'Boston Legal', we found out that Denny Crane allegedly made love to Kate Smith, the national treasure best known for singing "God Bless America".

I say "allegedly" because one never knows if Denny is telling the truth, boasting as though he was channeling Colonel McBragg, or experiencing addled memories due to his mad cow disease and/or Alzheimer's affliction.

But the picture he painted of the affair wasn't pretty, as he rhapsodized about making love to her mountains down to her prairies.

Didn't Kate Smith also sing "America The Beautiful"? Because Denny could have gone further, with a reference similar to one from 'The Sopranos' about "whistling through the wheat".

Or in Kate Smith's case, amber waves of grain.....

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

"Some men try to climb mountains.

Others just date them."

LOUIE DEPALMA

'TAXI'

JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH, "SKITS-OID MAN"

John Kenneth Galbraith was a world-renowned economist, diplomat, and author who passed away at the age of 97.

Those are all worthy items of note for anyone's obituary, but who cares about all that when you can claim to be fictionalized in one of the dimensions of Toobworld?

In July of 1982, 'SCTV' presented "SCTV Sports: Battle of the PBS Stars". In Part 3 [Football 75], William F. Buckley found himself a ringer for his team who could flatten the hopes of the otherwise superior team led by Carl Sagan.

Dick Cavett - Rick Moranis
Howard Cosell - Eugene Levy
William F Buckley - Joe Flaherty
Milton Friedman - extra
James Baldwin ringer - extra
Carl Sagan - Dave Thomas
Jeff Greenfield - Ron James
John Kenneth Galbraith - extra
announcer - staff announcer

A sketch on 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' would fit in nicely with this concept, in which a championship heavyweight boxer took on Sir Kenneth Clark.....

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

Big kiss to all my friends

I had a great long birthday! On 27th, the day before the big day, Momo brought me out for dinner at Crystal Jade's, and we had loads of xiao long baos.

Then I met up with tomorrow.sg's bloggers to discuss adding editors to our team, and they bought me a cake! So sweet. :D I also got a slab of Meiji chocolate from Angelique! Thanks babe!

The Singapore Govt also loves me, and gave me $800 for turning 22. Teeheehee! Yah I got $800! I live in the armpit of Singapore afterall, in a bloody 3 room flat. I deserve more man, for the sheer inconvenience of staying here. Pui!

Speaking of that I wonder how much our minister's sons will be getting for their progress package? They should get zero!!!! Muahahha

On 28th I woke up to Mike wishing me a happy birthday at his 3am (my 2pm), and stayed at home till evening, where I met Kelvin and the boys.

While we were at cafe cartel in Cine, I walked pass this table, minding my own business and all, and I heard a resounding voice saying, "Wow, her legs are really short!"

Which of course my legs ARE indeed very short, but that's still not very nice, especially on lao niang's birthday!

So anyway, one girl commented, "Can you be any louder?" and the table erupted into childish laughter. Damn, I was cutting bread and should have casually tossed the knife into their faces.

I turned around to have a look at the people who were so rude, and got a shock of my life: They were all freaking ugly!

I felt slightly pissed at first at the comment, but when I saw how they looked like I just felt really affronted, coz I think the worst insult in life is to have an ugly person comment on your looks.

GAH! Judging from the stumpiness they emitted just sitting on Cafe's seats, they all aren't tall either.

Ok fine, I can't really tell their height, but you forgive me for that, coz they were really ugly - like distractingly so. Oh well.

I briefly considered going to the guy and telling him that I felt hurt by his remarks, but I thought, well, being seen talking to ugly people might affect my social standing. Sigh.

After this we went to watch The Wild, which is 90% similar to Madagascar. It gives me the impression that some spy from Disney stole The Wild's idea and sold it to Dreamworks, and the latter, in double-quick time, did up the film and sold it first, leaving Disney pissed and with no choice but to add in a Koala and two cameleons, only to boardcast their original film 1 year later.

Still, it was rather entertaining. The Koala had an English accent and that's always funny. :D Sounds so prissy.

After this we went to Qihua's place to play mahjong where I won $12.

Sleep.

Next day, 29th, met Sandra and gang at West Mall for dinner. I ate damn xiao long baos again, I'm hooked to it.

Speaking of xiao long baos, I hate to eat with virginal xiao long bao eaters, coz I feel obligated to protect them from being burnt when they put the damn dumpling into their mouths wholescale, where of course, the dumpling will burst with a violence and burn them to death.

I remember I brought Mike to Ding Tai Feng and despite warning him that the seemingly innocuous dumpling contains a dangerous amount of boiling hot sauce, he still burnt his tongue. -_-

I told Sandra this and she said that it is necessary for virginal xiao long bao eaters to burn their tongues, so that they will remember the experience forever! Haha!

In this case I shall cease to warn people in future. :D

I asked Momo how to cooked xiao long baos, you know, to make the meat juice stay inside like that, and she said she didn't know coz some people say it is to insert a frozen piece of soup into the dumpling then steam it, or it is also possible they leave a small hole on the top of the dumpling, steam it, put the soup in, then seal it up.

Ah, everyone loves a mystery.

And damn, I love xiao long baos, the yummy things. Don't let me see you or I'll gobble you up. Heeheehee.

After eating we played Mahjong again, and I lost $19.

30th, I met up with Shuyin, Wanyi, ZC and Alvin for Birthday Brunch at Seoul Garden in Bugis - which was plain terrible.

We booked for a table for six people, but it was utter chaos there, and just to settle our reservation for a table of six took around 20 mins: 10 to search for our names, and 10 to set up the table.

The place was extremely noisy, annoying and crowded, due to the outlet (according to Alvin and I'm not sure if this is true) selling their dining services to big tour groups.

CAN YOU IMAGINE EATING LUNCH WITH SOME HUNDRED CHINA TOURISTS ALL SNATCHING THE BUFFET FOOD WITH YOU??

God I couldn't take it.

The lady at the counter (in black) then told us to pay money first before eating, as it was their restaurant's policy.

I told her I don't know yet if our friend (Weili! You cock) was showing up yet, and it would be ridiculous to pay for him only to not have him show up later.

She said it was ok to pay for five people first, then in this case, she will have to give us a table for five people.

I asked her what's the difference between a six-person table and five-person table, and she said that if there are six people, you apparently split into two tables and use two bbq pan thingys - if five, just one table.

I then said obviously we need the six people table (the restaurant was packed and to add a table later on if Weili comes was impossible) and she said she cannot do that.

I said, "Then what if my friend comes later, where does he sit?" and she merely shrugged, her body language clearly saying she doesn't care.

Ridiculous, coz firstly, we did book a six-person table so that table should be ours, and secondly I don't see why we have to pay for an invisible person if he is not sure if he is able to come yet.

I begin to get really pissed off with her attitude, coz she was obviously trying to applease the tour groups by trying to give one of our tables to them. I, on the other hand, cannot care less if the tour groups get so hungry they choose another restaurant - coz we fucking booked our SIX-PERSON table first.

The lady stepped back in and discussed with someone inside.

She then told me repeatedly to understand that their restaurant is very full (not my fault and I don't care) in a very curt voice, and seemed unwilling to give us a six-person table, so I told her off and said I cannot understand why we cannot get our table since we booked for it!

There you go, I hate such people. Now, apparently, she had just spoken to her boss or whoever right, and the person gave the go-ahead for letting us pay 5 and sit 6.

But she, being very witty I'm sure, had to begin to adhere to my perfectly reasonable request by lecturing me of my lack of empathy for their restaurant's crowdedness, and made me think she was being disagreeable to my request.

If only she started by saying "Ok miss, I have checked with the management and they said it is ok", no one would get upset.

But no! Some people think just coz they are older and perhaps a supervisor of a restaurant, they get all the power to lecture their customers.

After I said my comment, she put her palm to my face, and said, "Miss, I am giving you the table now, ok?" in a very loud voice, and continued by saying, "I don't want to argue with you, ok? THERE IS NO NEED TO ARGUE." and she snubbed me!

How rude is THAT??

Wanna give people money still must see their face ah?!

After this we wanted to pay our bill right, and it was a freaking $119 for 5 people!! That's $24 for squeezing with a gazillion tourists, and getting this kinda shit attitude!

And guess what? When we booked the place, we were told it was $15.90+++! Wow, what a steep steep 50% increase, huh??? Triple plus my ass, you might as well just say double that price.

We wanted to pay (Alvin Lam and I had like $110 between us, just not enough), and I took out my nets card, and guess what?

THEY DON'T ACCEPT NETS.

We left the place, and I am presuming I will never return again, and neither should you go there either.

If you are reading this, Seoul Garden's management, you can try telling that lady in black gently that if she does not have the right service attitude, she should try being a bus driver instead - coz that is one job where you can get grumpy at. *roll eyes*

When I was a waitress I was never so rude!

(Not just me! Check out the reviews here.)

What a bad experience. We went to Billy Bombers instead, where, erm, I kinda got into a food fight with some people. But that amazing story is for another day.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna go watch The Return of The Condor Heroes, the 1995 version by Louis Koo before he got too tan. Yippee! The show is super great and I bought all 20 episodes for $35! Cheap cheap!

Come First of May, Eileen will be treating me to fine dining (my god sis is the best!), and I think I will force her to go watch Aquamarine with me! :D Love chick flicks.

And foie gras, omg.

5 days of birthday celebration, shiok! :D

Tata now readers!

Mike's having exams. :(


++++++++++++

Updated: I saw something which really grossed me out after mahjong at Qihua's place!

Kelvin drove pass some private houses near Lentor Ave (where Casuarina Curry is? I dunno for sure which road it is, I'll check with Kel again) and just outside the houses was a green patch of grass, which proudly stood one telephone booth.

The booth is transparent, and Tim said, "WTF!" and we all turned to looked at the booth, and saw a foreign worker man inside (likely bangladeshi).

He was, in broad daylight, dry humping a girl!! His hands were on her hips and he was pulling her close to him, hugging her and rubbing his crotch against hers.

We saw all these very clearly coz we stopped just beside it during a red light.

The man then hugged her tight, and the girl was behaving like very squirmy, so I was very startled and thought she might be being raped.

She then walked out of the booth into our clear view.

A Filipino/Indonesian maid.

That is still not so bad.

BUT.

SHE WAS CARRYING HER BOSS' BABY IN HER ARMS.

WHILE

THE FOREIGN WORKER HUGGED AND KISSED HER.

THE FREAKING BABY WAS IN BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM!!!!!!!!!

Can you imagine that?!

Imagine if that is your child, being hugged by an unknown man with an erected penis??

MY GOODNESS!

I was so so so so so angry with the maid, I seriously considered going to scold her, but the boys were only interested in their breakfast, so I guess it is inadvisable for me to go alone.

WHAT THE FUCK!

Can you imagine if that is your baby and your maid did that??! What else is she capable of?

I am so so so so traumatized. The slut had a pram just right beside her, and she had to fucking hug that scum while carrying the baby.

Well you people living near that estate I am talking about better look after your maids. She was at the phone booth at around 10am in the morning I think. Goodness knows what the foreign worker would do to that baby.

GRRRR! Very traumatized.

DEAD MAN SHILLING

Don't get your hopes up, Red Sox haters - this isn't about Curt. That's "Schilling".

It appears Hoover has revived their blipvert for the FloorMate which featured actor Trevor Goddard as an Australian Outbacker. Based on one poster's response at the Blog of Death, they were showing the ad well into 2005, two years after Goddard's death by overdose. (Maybe accidental, maybe not.)

I'm of two minds on this. Perhaps it might seem like Hoover is making money off a dead man. But at the same time, acting in commercials IS acting. Actors do good work, hard work, in them. Actors in old movies and TV shows eventually die - sometimes even before their work first premieres - yet we don't expect those films and series to be yanked off the air forever.

So why should we insist on it for actors in TV commercials? I bet viewers have no trouble enjoying his two years worth of work on 'JAG' as Mic Brumby, even if they no he's dead. So why should a commercial be any different?

Unless of course, the actor is appearing as him or herself. That can just be creepy, like when Jerry Orbach appearing in a blipvert for weeks after he passed away.

A couple years ago I saw an ad for a local New York furniture company which had the late comedian Phil Foster as its pitchman. And by that point, he had been dead for at least a decade. It felt like a broadcast backwash that had bounced back to Earth's airwaves from who knows where.

Maybe there was an encrypted message in the commercial, returned from outer space......

"SEND MORE PHIL FOSTER!"

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

VIRAL VIDEO

Tele-Cognizance is the ability of TV characters to recognize the fact that they are living in the Television Universe. If they were in the Real World, their attitudes might be considered... mentally unbalanced.

Probably the leading tele-cognizant in Boston would have to be Alan Shore. He not only knows he's in a TV show, he could probably quote which episode he's currently involved in.

This past Tuesday, Shore was reunited with a former colleague, Chelina Hall, and he immediately lapsed into reverie about their last encounter:

"I think it was a Sunday. Then I was taken off the air; you went off to make movies; then I was switched to Tuesdays."

In response, Chelina added, "And here we are, with old footage."

When last they met, Chelina kissed Alan; so it's pozz'ble he transmitted this power of tele-cognizance to her as a contagion.

To buttress this idea, Alan also kissed his assistant Melissa Hughes a few episodes ago. And what happened? Melissa gave Alan this warning about Chelina:

"Don't fall for her. She's just a guest star."

Denny Crane has exhibited tele-cognizant abilities in the past, but I'm not about to suggest that he ever kissed Alan. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

But if rumors about the direction his character may take before the season ends are true......

It's pozz'ble; it's pozz'ble.

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

TOBY ON TORI

Take it easy, Dawgg......

I decided to accept an anonymous poster's challenge to check out Tori Spelling's sitcom on VH1, which is supposed to be based on her life.

And... I kinda liked it.

I can bet Tori's Mom must hate it though. No wonder she was threatening to sue her own daughter.

Not something I'll go out of my way to watch on a regular basis, but if it's on just before or after 'Love Monkey', I'll make sure I program the tape to catch it as well.

Yeah, it's Zonk!ful, with references to 'Beverly Hills 90210' ("Donna Martin graduates" was quoted.), 'Charlie's Angels', and 'TJ Hooker', but when you have TV shows featuring either actors playing themselves or storylines set in the bidness, Zonk!s come with the territory.

And it gives Tori the chance to idealize the guys who will go down on her, so more power to her, I guess.

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

THE BORGASMORD COLLECTIVE

Here we go! Another batch of bits 'n' pieces that make Toobworld hum.

So that means I'm giving you a hummer......?

MISSING LINK?
As we officially learned with his return to 'The West Wing' last week, Sam Seaborn didn't win the California 47th congressional seat in Orange County four years earlier. (But I think we all knew that.)

Sam now lives in Los Angeles where he works for a law firm and is engaged to be married. When Josh Lyman showed up at his law firm to ask Sam to come back to be the deputy chief of staff, we never learned the name of the law firm for which Sam works.

The place didn't have the feel of MacKenzie-Brackman of 'L.A. Law', but there's another established Toobworld firm it could have been. As we'll have confirmed before the season ends, the 'Boston Legal' firm of Crane, Poole, and Schmidt has affiliate offices in the City of Angels. (Roberteh Wagner will play Ashley Goldman, the Hollywood face of the law firm. It's my hunch he's had a much closer relationship with Denny Crane than Denny would ever admit to.)

And even if it turns out Sam doesn't work for them, perhaps his fiancee does. (Wouldn't it be cool if we found out his fiancee is that former call girl who was working to become a lawyer?)
~~~~~
THE LEAGUE OF THEMSELVES
'Love Monkey'
Aimee Mann
Paul Shaffer
The Aimee Mann Band
She Wants Revenge
Si Se

'The Sopranos'
Ben Kingsley
Lauren Bacall
Wilmer Valderrama
And, by the way, that was 'Sopranos' creator David Chase sitting across the aisle from the Italian hit men on the plane back to the old country.
~~~~~~~
ZONK!
On 'The Sopranos', Chistopher cited the resume of his proposed movie's screenwriter to Sir Ben Kingsley: "Nash Bridges, Hooperman, Law & Order: The SUV"...

This wasn't the first time in which 'Nash Bridges' caused a Zonk!, as I seem to remember 'Veronica Mars' mentioning it on her show.

As for dismantling these explosive contradictions to the integrity of the TV Universe, I'll have to do the usual song and dance - that these titles don't necessarily refer to the same shows we know in the Real World.
~~~~~~~~
SPANNING GLOBEY
Roger Catlin has a great list of his favorite TV shows from India:

http://blogs.courant.com/roger_catlin_tv_eye/2006/04/22_favorite_tit.html

Among those, I liked:

“The F Files”
“Karan the Detective”
“Office Office” (A Ricky Gervais clone?)
“Crazy Krishnoppa”
“The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy”

(Maybe Mandy and Billy's friend the Grim Reaper can face off against Kali, the multi-armed goddess of death.)
~~~~~~~
IN THE NEWS
Jewel performs on 'The Young and the Restless' May 31, celebrating the memory of Cassie Newman, one year after the young girl's death. Nice way to also plug Jewel's new album at the same time.....

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

FROM "MOTHER'S LITTLE HELPER" TO "MY MOTHER THE CAR"?

From the BBC Online:

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has been taken to hospital in New Zealand after injuring himself while on holiday in Fiji.

A band spokeswoman said Richards had suffered a "mild concussion" and was taken to hospital as a precaution.

Media reports in Australia and New Zealand said Richards had hurt his head when he fell out of a palm tree.

Maybe once he heard that Sir Mick Jagger had been cast in a pilot for a new sitcom, Keith got jealous.

Because it sounds like he was auditioning to be the new Gilligan.....

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

THE LEAGUE OF THEMSELVES: AIMEE MANN

Aimee Mann's appearance as herself on the fourth episode of 'Love Monkey' can't be counted as a connection between the Tom Cavanaugh series and 'The West Wing', on which she sang "Shed A Little Light" in the episode "College Kids". (She was playing a "Rock The Vote" concert, sharing the bill with the Barenaked Ladies.)

This is because those two series are set in different TV dimensions. However, she does connect 'Love Monkey' to 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer' since they are in the same dimension.

Aimee performed at the Bronze, a local club in Sunnydale. (The two songs she performed there were "Pavlov's Bells" and "This Is How It Goes".)

In the episode of 'Love Monkey', she hinted to Tom Farrell that she had mysterious powers, and based on the events in that 'Buffy' episode, she may be right - or at the very least, she's been around them long enough to recognize them.

After yet another vampire ruckus at the Bronze, Aimee Mann muttered, "Man, I hate playing vampire towns."

More than likely that means she's played Cleveland, where another Hellmouth is located.....

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

TELEVERSION CITY: MICK JAGGER

Sir Mick Jagger (and it feels weird to actually type that title) has filmed a scene for the pilot of a sitcom called 'Let's Rob Mick Jagger'... for the time being.

The premise revolves around a gang of men who plot to rob the rock star. The show would feature Jagger in various scenes in future episodes - if the show gets a green-light for production.

Jagger will join the ranks of other televersions like Jerry Seinfeld, Drew Carey, Dean Martin (in 'Half Nelson'), Charlie Ruggles, Charlie Farrell, and the Divine Miss M who have played fictional versions of themselves on a regular basis in TV series. But like Dino, he won't be the main focus of the show.

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

MARRIED TO THE MOBISODE?

According to Brooks Barnes of the Wall Street Journal, FOX is teaming up with Toyota to produce the second FOX mobile phone series. (The first was a spin-off of '24' called '24: Conspiracy'.)

This will be a spin-off from 'Prison Break' ('Prison Break: Proof of Innocence') which will be more about a friend of L.J., the son of Lincoln Burrows. (I don't think he'll actually appear.) The main character will be Amber McCall, a friend of his who is trying to find proof of his innocence after he's framed for murder.

Here's what else Brooks Barnes had to say about this new market:

The company has also produced three other mobile series, with about 25 episodes each. Although the market for cellphone drama is still small in the U.S. -- only about 3% of the people with cellphones have versions that can play video clips regularly, according to consulting firm Yankee Group -- it is growing fast, sparking a boom in TV production for the super-small screen.

All of the TV networks are rolling out content -- CBS Corp. is working on a soap opera for mobile phones -- along with some upstarts such as Two Minute Television Inc. So far, most TV content on cellphones has been news footage.

Fox's efforts haven't been without controversy: The executive producer of "24" complained that the mobisodes -- made with nonunion actors and writers to keep costs down -- weakened the franchise when they came out last year. "They were by definition really kind of amateurish because they were nonunion," says Howard Gordon, a "24" executive producer. "That may be why we're not doing year two of them."

[Note from Toby: This is the first acting credit for the actress playing Amber McCall. I get the feeling she's non-union as well.....]

Lucy Hood, president of Fox Mobile Entertainment, says "24: Conspiracy" was a creative success. She notes that it is nominated for a special Emmy Award and has been translated into six languages and distributed in 25 countries.

Ms. Hood says the company has learned a lot since the "24" phone shows. The "Prison Break" mobisodes, which will be available to Sprint customers starting this week, are two minutes long, twice as long as those for "24," allowing for better story and character development. For instance, the main character is a goody-goody ("I have to help! He's my friend!") but intrepid (she cuts through police tape to snoop on a crime scene) and when the going gets tough, she flirts.

"Prison Break: Proof of Innocence" wasn't written by the same people who work on the regular series, and the mobisodes won't feature actors from the show, although the original producers have veto power over anything.

Three or four mobisodes will be released each week beginning this week and will be available free to Sprint customers who have paid for a video package. They will be available on demand to watch anytime. After two weeks, they will be made available on Toyota.com.

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

PREQUELS: "CAPRICA" (ONE)

This is from a press release from the Sci Fi Channel:

'CAPRICA'

From executive producers Ronald D. Moore and David Eick ('Battlestar Galactica'), writer Remi Aubuchon ('24') and NBC Universal Television Studio, this new series is set over a half a century before the events that play out in 'Battlestar Galactica.'

The people of the Twelve Colonies are at peace and living in a society not unlike our own, but where high-technology has changed the lives of virtually everyone for the better. But a startling breakthrough in robotics is about to occur, one that will bring to life the age-old dream of marrying artificial intelligence with a mechanical body to create the first living robot - a Cylon.

Following the lives of two families, the Graystones and the Adamas (the family of William Adama, who will one day become the commander of the 'Battlestar Galactica') 'Caprica' weaves corporate intrigue, techno-action and sexual politics into television's first science fiction family saga.

This will place three series in the same TV dimension; parent show 'Battlestar Galactica' and 'Firefly' being the other two. (For more on why/how 'Firefly' shares the same dimension with 'Galactica', check out Thom Holbrook's excellent "Crossovers & Spinoffs", one of the top links there to the left.)

It would be nice to fill out that particular dimension a bit, so that it's not so void of TV shows. Therefore, as far as I can see, since 'Firefly' is set in the future, and 'Galactica' hasn't reached Earth yet, for the time being I see no reason why it can't share the same dimension as 'The West Wing', 'Mr. Sterling', and 'Smallville'.

I could always be proven wrong later, but that's the wonderful thing about Toobworld - it's always in flux.

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

SCIFIPEDIA? SURE.

The Sci-Fi Channel has launched this week a new online encyclopedia for science fiction called "Scifipedia". (You can find it listed on the SciFi.com homepage.)

It's starting off with 1,000 entries and fans can edit the content to help it grow.

The senior VP of SciFi.com, Craig Engler, says, “It gives our viewers a place to vent their enthusiasm. We have viewers who often know more about our shows than we do.”

I'm not surprised. Network executives are the same all over.

May they be nibbled to death by ducks.....

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

WOLF IN THE FOLD

Over at Lee Goldberg's blog, he's picked up on a story from FOX News that I would have missed because, well, I'd rather be doing just about anything else than watch FOX News.

Apparently, in the wake of Annie Parisse's abrupt resignation from 'Law & Order', creator Dick Wolf can't find a replacement for her because of the rumors that the show may not be coming back.

But here's the crossover kicker: Apprently S. Epatha Mekerson walked off of a "crossover" episode with the sister show 'Criminal Intent' because she didn't like the way her character was being written.

The woman has been playing Lt. Van Buren for about fourteen years or more. If anybody knows how the character should be portrayed, it's her.

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

TOBY IN TOOBWORLD

I may have inserted myself into Toobworld again today while doing jury duty.

When they let us out for lunch, I walked out to find myself in the background of a demonstration by those old ladies who caused a disturbance at the Times Square recruiting office. Their protest against the war was dismissed by the judge and they were celebrating outside by chanting:

"Grannies United!
We'll never be divided!"

I wish at least one of them had been wearing a Hell's Grannies leather jacket.....

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

JURY DOODY

"The jury has the right to judge both the law as well as the fact in controversy."
JOHN JAY

[This was the basis for the plot of "The Verdict", an episode of 'The Bold Ones - The Lawyers'.]

I started jury duty today. I'm spending my days inside the title of a TV series: '100 Centre Street'.

This is why I pulled the Toobworld manuscript out of the mothballs. It gave me something to pass the long stretches of tedium in the jury pool until I was called to sit in a courtroom at 3 pm.

I can't speak about that case just yet, but if I get seated for it, that quote above will come into play. Because it was specifically asked of the jury if they could look beyond what they thought of the particular law and just judge whether or not it was broken.

I was hoping my service would only last the day; I've been lucky in that regard in the past. But it looks like I'm there until at least Monday.

And that's playing hob with my opportunity to see the first two episodes of the new season of 'Doctor Who' with David Tennant, courtesy of the Brokeback Boys. Hopefully this weekend.....

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

=D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

*throws confetti in air*

DINOTOOBIA

Pastor Bob Brewster:
"Dinosaurs and human beings lived on the Earth at the same time."
Tony Soprano:
"What? Like the Flintstones?"
'The Sopranos'

While Tony Soprano was in the hospital recovering from his gunshot wound to the gut, he was visited several times by an evangelical minister named Reverend Bob Brewster. (1)

As seen in the quote above, Pastor Bob believed that the dinosaurs and the humans existed on Earth at the same time. For his part, Tony didn't put up much of an argument, preferring to take a high road and let the fundamentalist enjoy his opinion.

But the thing of it is, Pastor Bob and Tony live in Toobworld, not the Real World. And as such, Pastor Bob is actually correct - humans did live during the same time as the dinosaurs. However, this wasn't so much because of divine intervention, but instead because of a handful of temporal accidents.

In other words, time travel.

In the beginning, dinosaurs did rule the world; developing their intelligence and evolving their humanoid attributes. They had a civilization similar to our own today... which of course isn't saying much. (2)

While they were still the dominant life form, humans began to evolve as Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon men and were constantly underfoot like vermin to the dinosaurs. (Although some of them kept humans as pets.)

Due to a cataclysmic explosion, the climate of the planet shifted and brought about an end to the reign of the dinosaurs. This explosion was triggered by an E-space native named Adric who thwarted the plans of the Cybermen to alter the course of the Earth's history. An ice age began and for the most part the intelligent saurians were wiped out. (3)

A race of lizardmen survived, however, in a hidden valley dubbed by Professor George Edward Challenger to be "The Lost World". They were humanoid reptilians most likely evolved from velociraptors. (4) Others may have been swept into an altermate dimension, where they evolved into a race of saurians known as "Sleestaks". (5)

However, the proto-humans didn't exactly jump on this chance to bang the rocks together and evolve into the dominant life forms on the planet. In fact, they were dying out.

It took the crash landing of a transport spaceship from Golgafrincha to jump-start the evolution process. The transport's passenger manifest was full of phone sanitizers, management consultants, marketing executives, and other unnecessary members of Golgafrinchan society (as well as a human from 1981 and his friend, a humanoid from a planet near Betelgeuse). (6)

More than likely there was eventually some breeding between the two species, giving rise to the modern version of Man. In this, they may have also had an influx of genetic contributions from the crew and passengers of Flight 33, an airliner whose odyssey took them from the early 60s to the Jurassic Age and back to the late 1930s. (7)

Their fate is unknown, but it could be that they once again returned to the so-called Stone Age. By this point, their fuel would have been expended and they'd have no choice but endure a forced landing among those early humans and the waning dinosaur population.

Two other humans thrust back to the age of the dinosaurs would be Charles Grover, M.P., and Professor Whitaker, who were originally attempting to transform the world of the 1970s into a "Golden Age" when civilization had not yet taken hold. (8)

The contributions of the humans of Flight 33 and the Golgafrinchans on board Ark B were cultural as well as genetic. They would have taught those early humans, and their own descendants, how to speak English, for example.

This splains why several generations later, two lost astronauts named Mac and Hector were able to converse with a tribe of cavemen they encountered after their Scorpio EX-1 spaceship hurtled back in Time. (9)

Eventually Mac and Hector returned to their own time in the mid-1960s, and they brought along with them the caveman family who had befriended them - Gronk and Shad, and their children Mlor and Breer. (10)

In the forty years since they've been living in modern-day Los Angeles, Mlor and Breer must have been educated so that they could be fully integrated into society. And while living amongst modern humans, they more than likely fell in love with their virtual descendants and raised families of their own.

Unless of course they were gay, not that there's anything wrong with that.....

However, even with the influx of the genetic material from their mates, the children of Mlor and Breer would still have been part Cro-Magnon. And there might have even been some evolutionary back-sliding in their offspring. They would have still been intelligent, but their physiognomy, like their supra-orbital ridges, would have reverted to a more primal development.

They didn't hide their existence, but the general populace was mostly unaware that they were still around, as evidenced in a rather embarrassing TV commercial for car insurance. (11)

(Over in the TV dimension geared to comedy sketches, one "Skits-oid Man" was the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. He also did his part in keeping the caveman bloodline alive in modern society.) (12)

Meanwhile, the evolved dinosaurs didn't die out either. Armed with holographic devices to disguise their appearances, these dinosaurs live among the humans, work alongside them, and have taken human names as their covers. (13)

If they have fully integrated themselves into human society, there must be several TV characters who could be in reality dinosaurs disguised as humans. And I have rounded up the usual suspects:

Miles Drentell, advertising executive (14)
Dale Cooper, FBI agent (15)
The Prophet, leader of a polygamous community in Utah (16)
Bull Shannon, court bailiff (17)
Bree Van deCamp, housewife (18)
and just for the name alone -
Peter Dragon, movie producer (19)

I can't prove any of them are actually dinosaurs in disguise, but when has that ever stopped me?

It's unlikely Tony Soprano knows that there are cavemen living in the same world as he does, let alone "dyno-men". But I would not be surprised to find out that he's dealt with at least one mobster who was not too far down the evolutionary chart from his more primitive forebears.

For instance, Big Pussy Bompansiero would have fit right in with Boss and Clon in Gronk's village. And Christopher Moltisante does seem to have that unibrow thing going on......

1 - 'The Sopranos' - "Fleshy Part Of The Thigh"
2 - 'Dinosaurs!'
3 - 'Doctor Who' - "Earthshock"
4 - 'The Lost World' - "More Than Human"
5 - 'The Land Of The Lost'
6 - 'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy'
7 - 'The Twilight Zone' - "The Odyssey Of Flight 33"
8 - 'Doctor Who' - "Invasion Of The Dinosaurs"
9 - 'It's About Time' (first half of the season)
10 - 'It's About Time' (second half of the season)
11 - various "Geico" blipverts
12 - 'Saturday Night Live'
13 - "Anonymous Rex"
14 - 'thirtySOMETHING'
15 - 'Twin Peaks'
16 - 'Big Love'
17 - 'Night Court'
18 - 'Desperate Housewives'
19 - 'Action'

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

"I am the mighty Megalosaurus, the king of the dinosaurs.
And when the king of the dinosaurs wants a 90-inch television set,
He's going to get a 90-inch television set!"
Earl Sinclair
'Dinosaurs'

Fans my ass

I've been fucking irritated by one cb reader recently, and I don't know much about her, but I do know she's a loser.

I mean, while she was a "fan" she was nice to me, so of course you don't tell people in their face that they should get less obsessed about a stranger's blog and start living their own meaningful lives, but since she is no longer feeling positive about my blog, I might as well say this.

STOP IT ALREADY.

I know you are like 15, but that is no excuse for being practically a stalker.

Let's call her Knob Mushroom. (I'm recently very obsessed with Kingdom Of Loathing!! It's really fun, go try playing it. Woot!)

Now Knob "discovered" my blog around 3 months ago or so, and there she is, singing praises about it and how clever, insightful and pretty I am. She claimed to be my biggest fan, would leave an average of like 3 freaking comments per post, yakking meaningless rubbish about how cool and perfect Xiaxue is.

I'm like... is this person a siao ding dong or what? *frowny expression*

Then came one fine day, where my "biggest fan" read the archives, and read something she didn't like.

*cue civil war music*

It was this post, and she particularly did not like the little snippet of me saying I saw a Mosque worker who apparently knew nothing about his own religion. ("Is there free will?" "What is that?" *explains free will* "Oh, there is no free will.")

She wrote me a long email, claiming to be now my "ex-fan".


When I say long, I mean long.

The gist of her mail consisted of her telling me about how she really believes in her religion and that her God is all sacred - which I'm sure is very interesting and all, but I AM NOT INTERESTED.

Who gives a flying fuck about your life story? NOT ME.

The final little conclusion of her mail? Teaching me how to blog:

If you want to become a successful blogger for many years to come, here's a S U G G E S T I O N: learn to give some space in respecting others religious values.

I love how she wrote like she is the grand master of blogging and is bestowing some fruits of wisdom to me.

No really, fuck off.

I replied her:

If you read carefully enough, I am simply saying that the man I talked to was bullshitting about Islam and what he said was not true.

What the hell are you so angry about?!

Look what she replied:

Knob Mushroom Jan 6
well... I apologize for my part. I guess I misunderstood and mis-interpreted... Well, can u blame me? u shud've stated things more clearly.. aiizz... well it's ok. it's ur blog, im the one reading. i just felt upset ok. im quite religious, i don't like people making insensitive comments regarding Islam ok. its nothing to do with my sense of pride, i just don't like it when people write as if they are turning God's word around.. well, if what you say is true, i apologize for my outburst. maybe that was rude of me too. i was very disappointed though when i got angry. because i really liked reading your blog entries... well....

One word:

SIAO

What the fuck does she mean by "if what you say is true"? Can't she fucking open her fucking eyes and read the fucking blog entry herself?

For goodness sake if you are incapable of understanding simple English, don't act like you can, and attempt to correct others.

Man I hate these fucking religious bigots - as long as you are not in their religion and you mention their God, they get all jumpy and think you are trying to insult their faith.

Fuck off from my face, seriously. Not everything is about you, and nobody was trying to say any fucking thing about your religion, unless, of course, you, like the idiot I spoke to, agree that there is no free will in Islamism?

Well anyway I couldn't be bothered about her, and there we go again - she started being the biggest fan once more.

Suddenly, she is back being the biggest EX fan again, after yesterday's entry.

*roll eyes and snorts*

Stop it - do I give a shit whether you like me or not? YES - because you are quite significant due to my grand total of 5 readers which I cannot afford to lose.

All those muthafucking comments on the last entry saying you are disappointed in me - what is it that you are so fucking disappointed about, may I ask?

Do you know me very well? Am I your son whom you have recently found out has gonorrhea?

Disappointed, disappointed. Disappointed you fucking ass la, why don't you go eat shit instead?

(I wanted to insert a picture of someone eating shit here, but the pictures I found in google are seriously disturbing.)

You don't know me, so there is nothing to be disappointed about - and even if you are, don't tell me to me like it would matter, coz it doesn't.

I mean, it does matter in the sense it pisses me off, but not in the sense it hurts me.

Because you fucking self-proclaimed biggest "fans" are all idiots anyway.

Please tell me how I am supposed to continue blogging, when everything I say someone will be unhappy about it?

Today it's about my lack of compassion and Knob mushroom gets all mad, tomorrow it would be about Kingdom of Loathing and some Neopet fan will be all like,

"Wow Xiaxue, I am so disappointed in you. I thought you would know better than to like KoL over Neopets. That game is violent. I was once an avid reader, and now, I won't read your blog any more."

Yeah yeah fuck off and don't come back.

Or or like, "Xiaxue, I find you increasingly sensationalised. I think this angry post, which you cannot possibly be sincere about, is trying to create controversy once again. I am so disappointed in you, I thought you better."

Or, "Xiaxue, you are so predictable. After a controversial post, you will post a follow-up dissing people who comment meanly, and that is a sure way to get new readers."

To this I say, WHATEVER.

You think advertisers really care if I get 10,000 or 20,000 readers? Let me tell you this: They don't. Because xiaxue.blogspot.com has already established its brand name, and I don't need to create controversy for the sake of increasing my readership.

If I were interested in doing that, I would have blogged about Tammy, or Dawn's surgery, or now, Colin and Kero.

But I am not interested their businesses unless it affects me.

I only want to air out my thoughts.

And newbies here who find this post remarkably gutsy and want to claim you are my biggest fan now, why not you go play with your labia instead (that's for you boys too)?

Don't be a fucking turncoat and act like you know me so well and like me loads, then proclaim how appalled you are 3 months later, like I did something totally out of line.

What's there to be so disappointed about that I am not as compassionate as the average human? It's none of your business unlike I delibrately hurt people - which I don't.

And also, stop saying I contradict myself. I already said I have mixed feelings about my thoughts on natural selection.

Fucking fans. Go idolise someone else.

And Knob Mushroom?

FUCK YOU, STUPID BITCH.

Stop acting like you are so sad that I am now a flawed person and I can no longer be your "blog idol". It's damn disgusting can?

p/s: To the superficial people who only wanna see photos, I am editing now. However, Knob Mushroom's face keeps popping up (looks like a mushroom, of course), and I am feeling angsty so I am drawing black lines all over my friends' faces. They look like they are cursed by The Ring.

p/p/s: One more thing: I never thought the previous post was controversial. I thought most people would think that way. Guess I'm wrong, you hypocritical kind people, who did not donate your life savings to African orphans. Nor your kidneys. I wish you did. Both of them. Muahaha

Survival of the Fittest

Some time ago Wong sent me this email:

Dear friends,

This is not junk mail. It's my personal reflections. Last night, I watched a documentary on BBC about the plight of Congolese children who are being accused of witchcraft called Kindoki. I felt really strongly and interested about it and forgive me for sounding preachy, but I would like to share my sentiments with all of you.

The history or what I know of it
Recently, in Congo, there is a sudden surge of Revivalist Churches in Kinshasa, capital of Congo. These revivalist churches preach christianity to the Congolese who originally had African tribal traditions and religions consisting of witchcraft and whatnots. I only caught the later bits of the documentary, but basically church workers started accusing young children of having kindoki (i think some form of devil or something).

The rampant abuse of children
Kids who were accused of kindoki had to receive "deliverance", if not they will not be cured. The result, parents started abandoning their very own kids accused of kindoki on the streets. As to the issue of deliverance, I watched some scenes of how rituals were conducted to give deliverance to kids who were 5-8 years old and believe me, it was very very brutal and scary: They rubbed chilli peppers in the eyes and body of the young child and pour salt water in their eyes. I even saw the so called "healer" who is a full bodied 40ish year old African man STOMPED on the body and the stomach of children aged 3-5, claiming that the evil spirit must be stomped.

The psychology of the abused children
What I found even more disturbing was that children were WILLING to be abused by the church workers in the name of Christ. I remember a scene where a little girl was chanting "i wanna be saved by jesus and the holy spirit" while having chilli peppers rubbed into her stomach violently. The children are led to believe they have stupid nonsense shit like kindoki and then how they are so WILLING to let such abuse to be carried out on them, so that they can be loved and accepted by their family and parents. Can u imagine little kids at the age of 3 or 5, putting themselves out like that so they can be accepted by their parents? They also fast their children for weeks, in order to purge the kindoki. Little kids, could be your niece and nephew, made to starve for weeks.

Then there was the story of this girl who was abandoned on the streets. Thing is mostly, it's the uncle or aunt of the family who accused the child of having kindoki, never the parents themselves. Her uncle accused her of having Kindoki and they put her over a fire and if she screamed, then it was verified that she indeed have kindoki. Most ridiculous thing I ever heard. If u put me over a fire, of course, i will scream. Then they proceeded to unleash child abuse on her and abandon her on the streets.

Thousands of young kids are abandoned on the streets because of accusations of Kindoki and I am not sure what I can do to help. But the least I can do is raise awareness of their plight in Congo. For me, I think such stupidity is unacceptable, and I have no idea how Christianity devolved to such forms. The documentary suggests that shutting down Revivalist Church might put a stop to such a massive scale of child abuse, but the thing is they keep springing up, especially in poor and undeveloped Congo.

Well, it's just some food for thought for me. And I think it's nice to share with my friends and if your interested, would be real nice, if you could read up and we can talk more about how to help the children. But do think about it. And thanks for giving 5 minutes of ur time to read me out.

Regards,
Ee Kean.

My reply was this:

Natural selection at work, Eekean. Dumb parents give birth to kids... Their kids die when abandoned. Stops the dumbness from being passed down.

Imagine the willingly abused kid gets saved by you, and he grows up thinking he must also abuse his kid. How many generations of kids are you willing to save, and how much money must working, normal individuals give in taxes to save the dumb?

Innocent as the kids are, that's the way the world functions. It's sad, but true.

Because we can't all be clever.

I don't blame the religion in the least. It is the people who are stupid enough to believe it, and are even willing to hurt their own children for their stupid beliefs.

HOW FUCKING CB-LY STUPID CAN YOU GET?!

I don't know since when, but I certainly didn't consciously realise how my heart seemed to have hardened so much over recent years.

As a young teen of maybe 13, I would have been quite upset reading this mail, and perhaps attempt to save the poor children for maybe 2 days and give up, giving in to my world of pointy combs, dyed hair, and multiple boyfriends.

Wow, I remember I was so goddamn kindly when I was a kid!

I used to refuse to play the game leapfrog (where u jump over a person's back by pressing your two palms on it) coz I thought it would hurt my friends. Therefore I was constantly the person leaped over - which is, needless to say, rather not fun. I believe it might also add to my stunted growth.

But nowadays I see charity shows and only cringe a little at other people's misfortunes.

Instead of feeling so sorry for them and crying, which I used to, I would think in my heart, if you are kinda old, had an operation for 13 times, and lose two limbs and have nobody taking care of you (meaning nobody gets devastated when you die), why don't you end your life instead of living in misery?

I then get stunned at myself for thinking such a terrible thought, and mentally torment myself by solving cube root maths equations till I break out in sweat and think I have suffered enough.

I think this little change in my occurred one precious lesson in secondary school... I know I have related this story a gazillion times, but anyway, here it is again for those who haven't read it...

My class in 2A, River Valley's second year, had only like 9 boys, and in one particular lesson we were divided into groups, where in the class there was a group of only boys (like 4 of them - Joseph, Junhan, Jing Quan you were in it! I think).

We were all presented with a problem, and had to discuss within our groups how to solve it best. Well anyway, it was a stupid scenario, where a group of 6 or so people were trapped in some island, and there was only food for 4 people.

All the girls presented first, and naturally, being a nerdy school where everyone was kindly and good natured, all the girls suggested sharing the food and blah blah.. DOES NOT WORK! Already told you there is not enough food for all the people YOU COCKS!

In the girls' solution either everyone goes hungry, or the strongest man would have to sacrifice his food for the young or old. (Clever - when the strongest man dies, who goes hunting, the baby?)

When it came to the boys' turn to give their solution, they promptly announced, "We will dump the old woman behind."

The teacher, shocked (nerdy school, nerdy school, remember that, everyone in RV is nice), asked why they would do such a thing!

Joseph then smirked and said, "Because only the strongest survive, cher!" and the boys proceeded to whoop among themselves.

There you go, a perfect, realistic solution - because that's the way nature intended it to be.

That one sentence had such a strong effect on me, that from that moment onwards I never stopped thinking of that every time I see a sympathetic situation.

It is not that I don't feel empathy anymore of course, it is just that I tend to not dwell on human tragedy as much or as long, coz I have learned that that is the way of life.

[Digression! Speaking of situations where some people unknowingly do something to make you change your entire life, my Poly coursemate once, in a crowded train, said loudly to me, "Yan yan, your breath stinks!" in front of all my other friends. Since then, I developed a phobia for having stinky breath (and being told of it in front of everyone in a MRT train), and I thus now ALWAYS have sweets with me everywhere I go. If I am not armed with the sweets, I get very anxious and refuse to talk (much, coz I cannot don't talk, I'll die). Stinky breath eh? I'm the person with the nicest breath now!]

Yes. So back to Survival of the fittest.

[Another digression, wiki says that this phrase is a tautology. This means a statement which is true by its own definition - ie "fitness" is defined by survival so the phrase literally means Survival of the survivors. Interesting huh?! I wonder if the phrase "pointless tautology" is tautology too. You stupid buffoon.]

That day I was talking to Mike about socialism and medicine being socialised (when we are not telling each other how cute we are, we talk about difficult philosophical dilemmas).

My stand was that yes, it should be socialised (ie, available to all at no or low fee to the public, coz it is paid for by tax payers), because I was thinking in my mind, if one day my grandparents get ill (CHOY), god forbid I don't have enough money to cure them and they thus don't get saved.

And also, fuck those rich people if they get saved only coz they have filthy money. They don't deserve to live more than my nice gramps who love me a lot!!!!!!! ROAR!

On the other hand, I think of those dumbass teenage girls who attempt suicide so they can be special or can get attention or think they are vampires, and I feel like bashing socialism in its face and hope these people die coz they are wasting our doctors' time.

Of course, these teenage girls might be very rich so this has nothing to do with socialised medicine, but I am just saying.

So anyway, my somewhat rickety stand on socialised medicine is contradictory to my stand on Natural Selection, and I guess in that sense my stand on the latter is somewhat rickety too, coz only when it involves someone dear to me I turn tables and go all compassionate.

Becoming fucking confused.

Anyway, my point is that I'm an unsympathetic, mean, hard-hearted person now - unless I happen to know the sorry person involved.

Don't tell me to feel sorry for, ie, someone I don't know who killed himself by jumping into the MRT tracks to retrieve a shoe. I'd just say, oh, that's natural selection.

Kelvin, while on the causeway and looking at the thousands of blue collar workers edging their way back to JB on their motorbikes: "I feel sorry for them."

Me, "I don't."

Kelvin, "Cmon, not even in the least bit? Looking at them squeeze like that and breathing in all the smoke?!"

Me, "I don't know them, but I know that only with such people around (the lower caste) can we be living comfortably, coz not everyone can be rich."

(I then followed up by singing joyously with a song titled "Communists are pigs")

CROSSOVER OF THE WEEK - 4/24/06

When 'Love Monkey' premiered, I skipped it for a few weeks in order to see the entire Michael J. Fox arc on 'Boston Legal'. I intended to catch up with the Tom Cavanaugh series as soon as the four 'BL' eps were over, but I never got the chance - CBS yanked the 'Monkey' after only three episodes.

That in itself wasn't shocking - the "13 Weeks" concept is fast fading into legend. But that the Eye Network pulled it from the lineup before letting the fourth episode air was a surprise - because the showcase for one of the biggest stars on CBS was going to be prominently featured.

'LOVE MONKEY'
&
'THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN'

Luckily VH1 came to my rescue so that I could be "Linking the Monkey". (That just sounds so wraaaaaung!)

There's something to be said for monopolistic synergy, after all......

Tom Farrrell's manuevers to get his latest clients onto the Letterman show were nearly derailed by his re-involvement with the gorgeous lead singer of Gladwell. (A horrible band name, I think - it made me picture trash bags full of dietary cookies!)

Tom tried several schemes to get Gladwell heard by the show's booker (a very pregnant and very good Samantha Bee. If she doesn't return to 'The Daily Show' after she weans that Jason Jones spawn, somebody should get her cast into a sitcom ensemble!) He impersonated one of the delivery guys for Hello Deli, which was a great use of the location. All that was missing was an appearance by Rupert Jee.

David Letterman never made an appearance in the episode, but the presence of the "gap-toothed TV Boy" was definitely invoked. We did get Paul Shaffer, however, whose fictional televersion has known Tom Farrell for twelve years. And yet Tom still didn't know how to spell Paul's last name.

[I wonder what Toobworld event could have happened in 1994 at which Paul and Tom first met..... Any ideas out there?]

Like the 'Today' show, the 'Tonight' show, 'Jeopardy', 'Wheel Of Fortune', 'Password', and many other TV shows, 'The Late Show' has a fictionalized presence in Toobworld. And as such, it serves as the conduit to now link 'Love Monkey' to 'The Nanny', 'Murphy Brown', and 'The Larry Sanders Show'. (Both 'The Nanny' and 'Murphy Brown' have definitive links which connect them officially to the established views of the TV Universe in several different interpretations.)

So there you have it, this week's Top Crossover. And yet it's the altar boy in me that somehow feels guilty for "Linking the Monkey".

I keep checking the palms of my hands....

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

CASTING COUCH OF STEEL

When I was a little kid, I thought 'The Adventures of Superman' would always be the pinnacle for TV superheroes.

What did I know? I was a little kid!

But I tossed over the Man of Steel in a single bound when 'Batman' premiered in the mid-sixties, and even though it was campy and is now dated, I still hold it as the high-water mark.

Why? The bad guys!

If you're going to create a TV show about a comic book super-hero, make sure you bring along the super-villains that made the original comic book so popular.

The closest 'The Adventures Of Superman' ever came to having the colorful and bizarre adversaries of the comic books would be the Mole Men, maybe a robot or two.

And yet there were so many of the classic Superman villains who had already made their debut before 'The Adventures Of Superman' premiered in 1951:

Lex Luthor (Action Comics #23 - 1940)
The Prankster (Action #51 - 1942)
The Toyman (Action #64 - 1943)
Mr. Mxyzptlk (Superman #30 - 1944)

Unfortunately, other favorites didn't make their first appearance until the series had ended in 1957:

Bizarro Superman (Superboy #68 - 1958)
Brainiac (Action #242 - 1958)
Metallo (Action #252 - 1959)

But with that first group of "super-villains", they were still ordinary enough to fit within the budget of 'The Adventures of Superman'; and would have brought a dash of color even in the black-and-white productions. It's not like we were looking to bring in Darkseid and Doomsday from the future of the comic book to bust Supes upside the head... and the planet along with him.

Each of these villains could have still been molded to fit the general tone of the series as it was eventually produced, but we wouldn't have to be subjected to the site of C-List gangsters throwing their guns at Superman week after week.

As such, I wanted to present my suggestions for casting these roles within the framework of the original show; using actors of that time period who were working in the industry on a regular basis. No big stars - the budget for the show would never be able to afford them. Just a group of actors who were making their mark in Toobworld back in the mid-1950s.

LEX LUTHOR - R.G. ARMSTRONG

Not much I can say on this suggestion, and at the same time, I can't say enough. RG Armstrong is one of the best character actors to ever grace the small screen, and was still active up to the time of the 'Cybill' sitcom. I don't think a week could go by back in the fifties without him showing up as a villain; at home in modern dramas as well as at home on the range in Westerns. He would have the power and bearing to carry off the role of Superman's greatest foe.

(In later years, he got the chance to be a comic super-villain when he portrayed Pruneface in "Dick Tracy".)

MR. MXYZPTLK - BILLY CURTIS

(Billy Curtis previously appeared on 'The Adventures of Superman' as one of the Mole Men as well as playing the lead role of "SuperPup"! And he has the best credentials for playing colorfully impish characters with his role as the Mayor of Munchkin City in 'The Wizard Of Oz'.)

THE TOYMAN

You could go two ways with the Toyman - wistful and gentle or manic and blustery. Both would be humorous, but no less deadly to either Superman or those who know him like Lois and Jimmy.

I'd prefer the blustery Billy Gilbert for the role, but if you did want to go the kinder, gentler route, another option might have been Ed Wynn.

BILLY GILBERT or ED WYNN

I'd prefer the blustery Billy Gilbert for the role, but if you did want to go the kinder, gentler route, another option might have been Ed Wynn.

THE PRANKSTER

Again, this role could go in several routes and I have three suggestions for the actor to play the role.

First off, you could have gone with a definite name in burlesque, Broadway, and the movies:
JOE E. BROWN.

Or you could save a few bucks by going for a few up-and-comers in the TV biz: either cash in on the growing popularity of kid's show host Soupy Sales, or pluck a young comic from his 'Cellar' on a local L.A. station - Johnny Carson.

SOUPY SALES or JOHNNY CARSON

As for those other super-villains who didn't come into existence until after the show went off the air, we can still play a bit o' "What If?"

METALLO - LLOYD BOCHNER

Metallo was a robotic body with a human brain encased within it, and which was covered by a flesh-like skin. Lloyd Bochner was just starting out as an actor on television and I've always felt he had that ultra-cool, emotionless, nearly Vulcan-like demeanor down pat. And as he was in his thirties during that time, he carried a well-toned physique that could have suggested a robotic body beneath his skin.

BRAINIAC - MICHAEL ANSARA

While he was busy playing Cochise on 'Broken Arrow', Ansara could have dumped the long-haired wig, dabbed on some green skin paint and played the Captor of Kandor, the city from Superman's home planet of Krypton.

BIZARRO - GEORGE REEVES

Finally, George Reeves could have been able to stretch a bit on the show by playing his mis-shapen clone, the Bizarro Superman

If you want to see artistic renderings of these characters (and plenty more!) from the pages of the various Superman comics, check out this directory of Superman artists.

Up, up, and BCnU!
Tele-Toby

"PRISON" BROKE

After being off the air for three months, 'Prison Break' finally returned in March. But it wasn't until the big flashback episode three weeks into it that I decided I might as well come back and check it out.

I made it to the opening screen credits.

It was too late. When it came to giving a rat's ass (which I think may be one of the tattoos on Michael) about the fate of these characters, that ship had sailed. (Sorry about mixing the metaphors, but it works, mate! Rats..... ships. I guess I'm the rat who abandoned ship.)

After half a century, the American TV viewer has been conditioned to accept such a long hiatus for the summer. But when you yank a compelling, story-driven show off the air for 1/4 of its first season, how can you expect the audience to still be patiently waiting for your return? They've more than likely moved on, sampled other shows during its absence and found them to their liking.

Take 'How I Met Your Mother', for example. Actually the example isn't that great - the problem here is that I used to watch both shows on Mondays as they followed each other on opposing networks. When 'Prison Break' returned, it was scheduled to air in the same time slot as 'HIMYM'. But by that time, my allegiance was firmly in the sitcamp.

(And even that was tested by a break of several weeks at the height of a storyline!)

Another show that has suffered from constant interruptions which test an audience's loyalty is 'Lost'. And this show is so deeply involving that breaking the narrative flow as ABC has stupidly done for both seasons only gives the less committed viewer time to consider what's going on and realize it's just not worth enduring the pace of the revelations to find out the answer to the mystery.

But ABC programming chief Steve McPherson isn't deaf to the complaints of the 'Lost' viewership.

Here's an excerpt that was recently featured at The Tail Section.

McPherson wants to maintain that audience loyalty next season. He's looking at running original episodes of 'Lost' over consecutive weeks without repeats--an answer to constant fan gripes.

"I like the idea of people knowing that 'Lost' is on and is going to be on in originals for a long period, then have it take a break and put something else in there," he says. "Whether that's a January through May run or a big installment in the fall and another post-January, I'm not sure yet. But we're definitely considering it."


They still don't fully grasp it yet, but it's a start. The concept of the TV schedule is outdated, you stupid suits! The fans have been telling you that they don't want any break! Forget about the mandated Sweeps period. Make arrangements with Nielsen and the advertisers for alternate time periods in which to measure the size of the audience.

Just because a show begins in September (and that was only chosen in the old days because new cars were unveiled in that month) doesn't mean you have to stretch out its run to make it to May. Nobody wants to see Shannon shot dead one week and then Sayid and Shannon making out

Like I said, it's too late for me and 'Prison Break'. I'll just keep track by reading the entries at epguides.com. And if I feel it was compelling enough that I should have been watching, well, I'll just wait until it's released on DVD and see if Netflix is carrying it.

But who's got that time to spend on re-living the past if you're not already in solitary confinement?

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

NEXT "TREK"

The big behind-the-scenes news yesterday was that JJ Abrams, creator of TV show Lost and director of "Mission Impossible III" (May that film franchise burn in Hell!), is to produce and direct the 11th Star Trek film. This was according to "Daily Variety".

The film - set for release in 2008 - will focus on the early days of Captain James T Kirk and Mr Spock and will tell of their first meeting at Starfleet Academy and their first outer space mission.

Personally, I always thought it had been established that Spock was several years older and thus farther ahead of Kirk in his career with Starfleet, including his school days. But this might work to the plot's advantage - have Spock act as sort of a mentor to the younger Kirk who might be at first resentful for having the Vulcan "half-breed" watching over his shoulder.

Abrams will write the film with his "Mission Impossible" (May that film franchise burn in Hell!) co-writers Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci. Continuing the connection with 'Lost', the film will be co-produced by Damon Lindelof and Bryan Burk.

The decision to revive the 'Trek' franchise comes a year after the cancellation of spin-off TV series Enterprise, which was axed after four seasons due to poor ratings.

Rumours that the film series would continue in a different form have been circulating since 2003. For instance, Patrick Stewart (Captain Picard of 'The Next Generation') told ITV1's 'This Morning' earlier this year that there was "interest in bringing the 'Next Generation' cast together with actors from different 'Star Trek' series".

Being all for the blending of the 'Trek' spin-offs, I'd like to see this happen. I think the story should be centered around the space station Deep Space Nine and focus on the worm-holes of Bajor. Starfleet should be making the attempt to rescue Captain Benjamin Sisko from his exile among "the Prophets".

Besides the various cast members to be used, there could be plenty of work for some special guest stars who could play assorted Bajorans, "Prophets", and maybe even Vulcan emissaries who accompany a very ancient Vulcan matriarch named T'Pol, who suffers from Bendii Syndrome which brings her into spiritual contact with the "Prophets" and thus kicks off this mission.

(One casting suggestion for playing an alien guest star? Get Ethan Suplee, who plays Randy Hickey on 'My Name Is Earl', to be one of the dim-witted Pakleds.)

Among the cast members from the various shows to be used, I'd refrain from bringing back Odo, who should remain among his people, the Founders of the Dominion, and Data, who was destroyed at the end of the last 'Trek' movie, "Nemesis".

And perhaps the participation by Whorf, Riker and Dr. Crusher could be avoided by having them remain on active duty on other vessels. Whorf would have gone back to the Klingon empire; Riker would be helming his own ship; and Dr. Crusher might be either in charge of a medical vessel as was seen in alternate future in the finale for 'ST: TNG', or she could be visiting with her son Wesley.

In fact, now that I think of it, Wesley could be brought in to use his newly blossoming powers to make contact with Sisko in that alt. dimension where he's supposedly trapped and bring him home. But in the process, Wesley is lost there instead.

That would make a lot of Wesley-haters in the audience very happy. They'd be walking out of theatre, cheerfully humming the theme music.

Most of the 'Deep Space Nine' cast should be brought back, as the space station would still be their base of operations, Kira Nerys in command of the facility. For medical emergencies during the episode, not only would you have Dr. Bashir (with his Trill wife Enzi Dax by his side) but also the holographic medical program downloaded from the returned 'Voyager'.

Captain Janeway, who knew Sisko, could be the front-line leader of the search and rescue, while Admiral Picard would be have overall command of the operations. And Seven of Nine could lead the expeditionary force that enters the particular wormhole that might lead to the whereabouts of Sisko.

Jake Sisko would be there out of concern for his father; and Mr. O'Brien would be working in conjunction with Geordi LaForge to keep the unstable, experimental equipment being used from blowing them up Real Good.

Via the wormholes, they might even come in contact with Neelix and the colony of Talaxians again. Or they could travel through Time (which had no meaning to the Prophets) to go back in Starfleet history to meet the original surviving members of the first 'Enterprise'; to find out what Dr. Phlox knew about the mystery of the "Prophets".

This might be where T'Pol comes in; where her ancient self could meet up with her younger self.

And during their down-time, the characters can get better acquainted and rested up at Quark's bar.

Ultimately, who would be the hero of the adventure?

MORN!

As for this movie to be made about Kirk and Spock as undergrads at Starfleet Academy, the movie should end with Spock being assigned to the Enterprise, leaving Kirk behind to finish his studies. That way we could meet younger versions of Captain Christopher Pike and Dr. Piper.

Finally, one suggestion: please guys - and I'm referring to Mr. Abrams, Mr. Lindelof, and Mr. Burk, - PLEASE find a way to work in the numeric sequence "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42". Maybe even a connection to the mysteries of Rambaldi.

Your fans will go crazy for those types of link!

BCnU!
Tele-Toby