Thus ends this blog entry.
HA! Kidding la. But seriously speaking, I had absolutely nothing to blog about recently (nothing to do with the dire warning). Sure, plenty of people (not friends) made me angry, but I can't write about them because ... what are the chances that they would not read it? Slightly less than zero.
So frustrating.
Since I had nothing to blog about, I almost decided on making Eddy the Engineer meet another animal crossing the road with him (A tibetian llama this time) but well ... I couldn't think of anything funny/interesting to say even about that.
I shall thus hide my non-inspired blog entry with a silly movie review - which could pass off as an informative and educational blog entry.
Regular readers would know I do not usually write movie reviews unless they REALLY piss me off like THE HULK (giant pistachio nut hopping around) or SUICIDE CLUB (Jap kids dying of no reason), or was really good like the recently mentioned Notebook.
VOILA! Along came Open Waters which totally fits the criteria of ... PISSING ME OFF.
This is supposed to be a movie about a couple who is trapped in the open water - with sharks.
Sure, this will have "spoilers", but I do not believe my blog entry is any less interesting than the movie, so surely reading this will be a better deal than spending 1.5 hours watching that show - plus this site is free for your reading and its author is also extremely gorgeous with a gold belly piercing.
People who have gold belly piercings are superior to the rest of the world
Moving swiftly back to the topic of the movie (quit trying to scrutinize if I have belly hairs - coz I am gonna tell you now that I do, though they are cleverly hidden under the layers of skin-coloured air-brushing), I suggest that instead of bringing your girlfriend to watch Open Waters in the hope of her hugging you tight coz she is really scared of the sharks; while you rejoice in the fact that u can slightly feel her breasts on your chest, you could go read 1 year and 4 months worth of Xiaxue archives instead.
If nothing goes wrong, this could give you 5 hours of pure enjoyment.
It is also predicted that you guys will have some arguments i.e. about how all girls hate Michelle Saram while guys love her, but a little squabble is always good for relationship-strengthening. MICHELLE SARAM SUCKKKKKKKKS! (FIGHT!)
Back to Open Waters.
Wong the Lawyer got free premiere tickets to the movie, and boy was it a bad thing. (Not that it's your fault at all Wong! *patronising smile*)
The first scene of the show was this couple, who are both not good looking, rammaging around in their house looking for their stuff so that they can go on a holiday together.
Naturally, because it is based on a true story, the show shoves a cliche right into your face like it is actually forgivable just because it is a true story: The wife, or girlfriend, is a busy woman who receives a business call just before they leave, and she is having a well-deserved break with her husband - to scuba dive.
The show, a cheap production using cheap video cams which makes all the characters have fuzzy outlines, spent 20 minutes of film on that STUPID beginning.
The man loves her, and wants her to enjoy herself. He is also a pussy, as you would read about later on.
BAM! There we go! They are at the beach (tick tock, 25 mins into the movie already, where are the sharks?)! FLASH! scene of kids playing in the sea (tick tock). FLASH! scene of people playing volleyball. HELLO??? IF WE JUST WANT TO WATCH RANDOM NO-STORYLINE BEACH SCENES WE CAN REPEATEDLY WATCH THE DOWNTOWN EAST AD OK????
Flash! The couple are back in their hotel room, tired but happy and excited about their long-awaited vacation. (CAN YOU GET MORE CLICHED THAN THAT?? HUH? CAN YOU??)
HOLD YOUR BREATH, ladies and gentlemen! I am about to talk about the climax of the show! They have this little talk which no one could listen to because the show is too cheaply produced to use the woolly sound recorder thingy (think it gets rid of fuzzy sounds). The characters mumbled about how much they love each other and how hard they have worked - which no one gives a shit about. They also look fuzzy.
Suddenly, BAM! Breasts on screen. The girl, a blonde chick who has almost zilch sex appeal because she is a grumpy pig, decides to take off her bra. Wow, what a nice free piece of appetiter! I really did not expect that, it's really nice of you people working on Open Water! (I am being sarcastic. If you have a movie with your female lead only wearing a wet suit all of the time, I think it's mere politeness that you throw in a nude scene first.)
Honestly speaking, her breasts are pretty nice - or maybe it's because they look quite fuzzy.
Just as the rest of the theatre's bored people sit upright barely masking their excitment, and the Jaws fans groan in disappointment that the sharks are not about to come yet, the movie gives the audience another unpleasant surprise. And do not be mistaken - it IS trying to be different from the common hollywood flicks which are, clearly, all about sex.
The girl, who was looking at the guy with complete lust before this, suddenly said (surprisingly audibly for a fuzzy soundtrack) that she is NOT IN THE MOOD TO HAVE SEX!
WHAT! THE! FUCK! What a waste of my time! HELLO??! NO IN THE MOOD TO HAVE SEX? Then why not wear a surgical robe to sleep instead of taking off her top and flashing her tits at him? What's her point?
I think, she secretly wants to have sex, but she wants her man, instead of acting like the usual wimp he is, to tear off her grandmother panties and have dominatrix sex with her.
He fails to deliver.
Instead of climbing over her and impaling the grumpy bitch on his long erect member while shouting into her ear that some sex would do her temper good, he gives a nonchalent look (who blames him?). He then proceeds to say that he understands, and they roll over and sleep till the next morning.
WHAT A PUSSY OF A MAN! I can imagine that if Maddox's girlfriend tells him that she is not in the mood to have sex, he would slap her with his pet Goth and ask her to sit quietly on his gigantic balls and think about the nonsense she just sprouted while he shags one of his hysterical female fans enthusiastically.
The next morning, the duo sets out happily into the boat.
They all scuba dive. FLASH! Scene of clown fish swimming amongst amoebas or whatever those corals are called. THANKS! I LOVE UNDERWATER SCENES!
Fast forwarding the dull bits, the couple gets left behind in the open sea while the boat, due to an unfortunate miscount, sets off without them. (tick tock, 1 hr into the show ...)
VOOM the boat goes! Yaaay! Sharks finally?
Oh no! Couple realises that they are left behind. They wait. Guy pees. Girl pees. Time passes. They see sharks forlicking below them, but the sharks behave like gentle graceful dolphins. I can almost imagine them doing synchorised swimming.
Hey, why are there pieces of white stuff floating around the sea? Mystery solved - the girl vomited. BAH!
Couple panicks (not because of the vomit), they quarrel over whose fault it is that they are stuck here.
Night time! Cliche time! It RAINS! BOOM! Flash! Lightning! Can see couple. No lightning! Cannot see couple! Yaaay!
The guy gets a chunk of his leg bitten by a curious shark and blood fills the otherwise crystal clear sea water.
Ominous foreboding? Lots of sharks, smelling the blood, will attack the guy? You wish. The guy panicks like the wimp he is, while burying himself in the girl's breasts, crying, and the sharks do not attack.
By morning, she is hugging his dead body (too much blood loss).
Coincidentally, the boating people also realised that they must have miscounted, and jets set out scouring the seas for them.
She takes a look at him, and decides to let him go, a la Titanic.
He floats a little, and guess what? The sharks eat him up. WOW! Such good timing she has! She knows it is breakfast time, so the sharks will immediately devour the guy the exact moment she lets him go, but not when she is still holding him!
Trivia for you! Sharks eat wet suits too!
She looks at him, and despite the audience saying that she wouldn't dare, she drowns herself. YES. She drowns herself! HOW AUDACIOUS! The trailer clearly stated that they have a story to tell! How the fuck could it be based on a true story when both characters die??!
The credits flash, and the story was "found out" because one shark, who so coincidentally was caught, had ate the underwater camera the couple brought with them, and the audience can only presume that the film told of the story.
Very stupid, because if you are dying you do not take pictures of yourself.
The point of the movie, Open Water's fans (IT HAS FANS? OMG) argued in IMDB, is not about the sharks but the concept of the phobia of floating around in such a big area. Wow, scary I say.
Not.
Being trapped in such a vast area, or Agoraphobia if you wish, could have been must better portrayed in this movie but was not - unlike other sea shows like Castaway. It almost looked fun to be trapped in the nice ocean.
If you say you are a blind person who just wants to hear the movie because u loved the Jaws soundtrack - don't (although if you are blind u can't read this site). During the most desolute of times, the soundtrack was playing happy prayer songs. Supposedly funny I guess.
Eekean said that if this movie were a comedy, it would have gotten 2 stars.
Since it is not, I'd say it deserves -13/5.
Don't Watch It. Don't say I didn't warn you.
No comments:
Post a Comment