Harry's Goblet and the Pot of Fire

I was amusing myself, moderating the comments... People are so weird! They like to say things like "You go direct the movie yourself lar, see if you can do better!" when you happen to say a movie they like, well, sucks.

And because I myself cannot direct any better, I have no rights to say a movie sucks.

Why, of course. That makes a hell lot of sense.

:)

Happens all the time... If a fat chick dares to as much as comment that another fat chick is fat, I expect an angry mob will materialise out of nowhere and shout in perfect unison: "YOU THINK YOU VERY SKINNY MEH? SAY PEOPLE SAY YOURSELF HOR!"

And they will proceed to cobble both fat chicks to death or something, because hey, that's what an angry mob does.

(Oh btw as I am writing this I am bleaching my eyebrows and I feel quite jittery about how it will turn out)

So anyway, as I was saying, is it thus true that you can only criticise others when you yourself is any better?

Going by this theory, only past pageant winners can judge current pageants, coz only they are pretty enough to say who is pretty and who is not? Then may I ask, who is going to judge the first ever pageant?

Is a fat chick any less capable of judging whether another fat chick is fat? So, she is fat. Obscures her vision now, does it? (we are not talking about really fat until the fats droop the eyebrows down)

I thought "it takes one to know one"? Then she will be the best judge of who is fat, won't she?

Being fat automatically removes her rights to say another girl is fat?

No what... So yes, I win. I can say GOF sucks if I want to, because I was a paying consumer! Even if I didnt pay, I can still say it sucks. Hell, even if I didn't watch it, I can still say it sucks if I want to! :D It's my mouth.

But since the angry mob dictates that I direct a GOF better than Mike Newell did, I SHALL! SEE, I'M SO NICE.

And since majority of people seem to have no problems with changing Rowling's storyline COMPLETELY, I'm gonna as well. It seems like most people liked the show coz of "fantastic graphics" or "Tom Felton is hot", or "Beauxbaton girls are hot" (which btw, Beauxbaton is NOT an all-girls school, nor are the girls there all veelas, IDIOTS!). Or similar bollocks.

In that case, allow me to add and minus characters, and I know the audience will forgive me, because, erm, it is difficult to make a 700 page story into one blog entry you know?!

What a convenient excuse, and I love it!

How difficult is it to produce a classic Hollywood show everyone loves? Easy peasy, I say. And this time, I can use Jay Chou as Krum if I want to, and he shall mumble.

INTRODUCING...

MY SELECTED HONOURARY CAST:

Daniel Radcliffe as:

HARRY POTTER

Though increasingly sissy-looking, I, as mighty director, have decided to maintain Daniel as Harry because I am lazy.

However, I have warned him to wear his scar properly (by properly I mean I embossed it in photoshop) and fondle it lovingly at opportune times because I personally find it pretty sexy.

As for his eyes... My exact words to him were: "YOU MAKE IT GREEN OR I'LL FIRE YOU, FUCKER!" There, it worked. Green, aren't they?

Character: A great flyer, though moody at times. Like his Asian chicks.

(Pre Yule Ball) Hilary Duff/(Post Yule Ball) Ashley Olson as:

HERMIONE GRANGER

Many people have been asking stupid questions like, "How are you gonna make Hermione's teeth big"? Like flies! These questions are like pesky flies to me! *makes irritated hand motion*

How do I make Hermione's teeth big? If I can make Hagrid big, then teeth are not problems. But why bother messing with graphics? Since Hilary Duff had recently procured some veneers, I might as well just use her. And make her hair brown and bushy.

Character: Extremely smart witch, though quite ugly, and is from Muggle parentage. Is Harry's good friend and also a long-lost twin sister of Winky. Oops, spoiler.

David Beckham as:

RON WEASLEY

Decided to have more brits in the show. Ron's a sidekick and nobody bothers about the sidekick, seriously. Since he is a nobody, he might as well be a handsome nobody. Vase you know, vase.

Everytime Ron speaks people will be like, "Oh fuck off, you don't know anything" because well, he does speak with a whiny voice and plus... air up there you know? *points to forehead repeatedly* But secretly, everyone wants to screw him.

Character: Harry's best friend. Poor pure-blood wizard, which, ironically, thinks Muggle football is extremely silly.

David Beckham as:

LORD VOLDEMORT (TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE)

Yes, I know David Beckham is already used as Ron, but who cares? One will have red hair and the other brown, so we can easily differentiate them, thank you very much.

And Lord Voldemort is described as handsome, isn't he? As a clever director, I remember that there was one scene, Voldemort emerges from his enormous cauldron, with his new body and all.

"Robe me," he said to Wormtail.

THE DARK LORD HAS RISEN AGAIN... *cue dark music*

MUAHAHAHA! WE CAN EXPLOIT THAT SCENE AND SHOOT BECKHAM NUDE! *hops around in glee*

Character: Evil, but handsome, dark lord who wants to cleanse the Wizarding community of mud-bloods. In an ironic twist, falls in love with Hermione, the epitome of mud-bloods.

Richard Harris as:

ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE

I know he is dead, but I still like him as dumbledore, cannot meh?

Character: Wise headmaster of Hogwarts. Gentle, benign, and very old indeed!

However, I've decided to add some fizz into the show and make him gay (pokee, not poker), since he is gay in book five anyway. This explains the purple robes with stars.

Alan Rickman as:

PROFESSOR SEVERUS SNAPE

Great job as Snape, so I'm keeping him!

Character: Potions master in Hogwarts. Hates Harry with a vengence.

Carmen Electra as:

PROFESSOR MINERVA McGONAGALL

I know she is supposed to be old and stern (hmm!) but hey, every show needs a slut, agreed?

Character: Head of Gryffindor house in Hogwarts. Likes Ron (duh, who doesn't?!).

Xiaxue as:

CHO CHANG

Why, cannot is it? I had to look damn long for a straight and black-haired photo but realised I didn't have any, so I had to photoshop this bleached blonde one black. Ha!

Character: Pretty Ravenclaw seeker, and Harry's secret love. Likes Ron/Lord Voldemort. Or Cedric diggory, depending on who she chooses to act as him later on as she writes this.

Tom Felton as:

DRACO MALFOY

No idea why people still find him hot considering his zits and underbite, but hey, we give and take. Blondes are cute.

Character: Arch-enemy of Harry, who attempts to trottle Harry to death with a Devil's Snare whenever possible. Possibly likes Snape, but unsure of his sexuality. In frustration, forces himself to like Neville Longbottom instead.

Tom Welling as:

CEDRIC DIGGORY

WANT GREY EYES? I GIVE YOU GREY EYES! :D Handsome handsome handsome! Plus, he already has some experience in flying, being Superman and all.

Character: Handsome seeker of Hufflepuff, with brains not enough to fill an eggcup. Also realise that the phrase "not enough to fill an eggcup" seems to make us think his brain is the size of an egg, but hck! "NOT ENOUGH TO FILL AN EGGCUP" means his brains are not even HALF an egg's size! (coz eggcups are usually half-egg sized, and any more brains, it will overflow).

Adores Cho Chang and has hot steamy sex with her in the prefect's bathroom. Oh, and fellow triwizard Hogwarts champion.

Paris Hilton as:

FLEUR DELACOUR

Every show needs a slut. Oh, I've already said that? Ok, fine, aren't two sluts better than one? And plus, where can you find someone more suitable? Paris possibly does think her grandma is a veela. Of some sort.

Character: Snotty Beauxbatons champion. Ron likes her. Has an absurd adoration for micro bikinis.

Jay Chou as:

VIKTOR KRUM

Krum is described as being sullen and moody, and Jay is perfect. I know, we have the slight problem that Jay is not Bulgarian...

Hmmm. Fine. In that case, I shall change Drumstrang to become a Taiwanese school altogether! Clever? YES! It will be called Chulalongkorn School of Wizardry and Witchcraft, because I think that name is very cute! :)

Character: Drumstrang champion, who is also a world-famous Quidditch player. Likes Hermione, and in an ironic twist, also discovers that he kinda likes Voldemort, resulting in a complicated love triangle for all. Likes to sing in his free time, and gets angry when people call him Viktor the Singer instead of Viktor the Seeker.

Miranda Richardson as:

RITA SKEETER

Great likeness, but needs to talk MUCH faster and more shrewdly. Cmon, you are in the damn broom cupboard and you talk so slowly?!

Character: Terrible reporter of Wizarding newspaper Daily Prophet who twists anyone's words to get a story out. Has gold fillings in teeth. Is an animagus.

James Blunt as:

MOANING MYRTLE

"My life is brilliant, my life is pure..." SHUT UP AND STOP MOANING, your singing is awful.

Character: A ghost who lives in the u-bend, literally killed for being a loser. Helps Harry in the hope she gets a friend, but of course Harry thinks she is really ugly, silver pimples and all. Not to mention her voice is disgusting.

Eminem as:

FAWKES (VOICE)

Eminem's voice will add a nice touch to the "eerie phoenix song".

Character: Dumbledore's pet phoenix. Smells a little when Dumbledore is a bit too busy to change the shavings.

Mary-Kate Olson as:

WINKY

Winky wears a tea cozy or pillow-case, not too different from the clothes our hobo actress wears.

Character: House-elf to the Crouch family, and a representative of those oppressed by totalitarism. If this were 1984, she will be Parsons. But this is 2005, and she represents one of the many tight-arsed people reading this blog. Surprisingly enough, she is Hermione's long lost twin sister.

NAGINI

Some Zoo snake stars as Nagini, but since Xiaxue blogders seem to be *scoff* animal lovers, we decided to credit her too, since you know, animals have feelings and all.



Guest Starring Mrs Look as:

DOLORES UMBRIDGE

I don't know about you, but my ex-discipline mistress was the exact image of Dolores Umbridge when I read book five. RV student are nodding their heads in agreement, I know.

Character: Disgusting ministry bitch who makes our protagonist's life very difficult. Not supposed to appear until book 5, Umbridge makes a surprising appearance as she confiscated Hermione's time-turner and turned it a little too much. She and Rita forges an unlikely friendship and added each other on friendster and MSN too.

Guest starring Kenny Sia as:

HORACE SLUGHORN

I was just thinking of who is the most likely to turn into a red armchair and Kenny's face swam into mind.

Character: Squat, self-centered and judgemental, Potions Master in book six Horace Slughorn is one of my favourite characters ever created in my book-reading history, because he is so distinct, and yet uniquely so.

Unlike other usual characters epitomized by goodness, evilness, looks, skills, or intellect, Horace is characterized by elitism. A character who only mingles with the powerful, Horace does not crave fame for himself, but hopes to gain bits from everyone by helping the esteemed achieve more in life.

And you better stop hating him when he doesn't allow you in the Slug Club and start hating yourself instead, because he is usually right in his judgements.

Slughorn's only supposed to appear in book six, but who cares, I'm putting him in! It's either Lockhart or him, and I prefer him. :)

The script will be out tomorrow, give or take 10 days.