I Got More Rhymes Than Abe Vigoda

The name of the game in Mongo's cycling world has changed. No longer is it good enough to just go fast over rolling terrain with a few mild hills thrown in for good measure. Now I'm expected to be able to climb five mini Alp d'huez's over the course of a 25 mile loop.

Let's just say that Mongo's no Frank Schleck in the weight department. Hauling my chiseled 220lbs up a mountain 'aint no easy task. If you've watched professional cycling lately, you'll notice that the only people in the peleton over two hundy are the guys on the motorbikes. So you see that my task is daunting.

I've decided that the only way I'm going to be competitive as a climber is to adopt the Marco Pantani Training Method.

I will be moving out of my house and into a hotel on a river somewhere. I will talk to no one and have everything delivered to me. I will follow the nutritional guidelines of the 1980 East German Olympic Team. I will ride the steepest hills every day and develop the lungs of an Argentinian gaucho. I'll start dating a hot European model.

If all of this doesn't work, then I'm thinking about a new 12-28 cassette.