THE 2008 TOOBITS AWARDS (PART TWO)

Here we are with Day Two of the Toobits Awards!

BEST EXIT FOR A CHARACTER
Detective Ed Green, 'Law & Order'There were no histrionics, no over the top death scene; I don't think they even aired it during Sweeps Week. (But I'll check on that.) Instead, Detective Green, a member of the TV Crossover Hall Of Fame, was implicated in an on-going investigation - and even though he basically cleared himself of any wrong-doing, he still chose to leave the force.

'Law & Order' doesn't bring back former cast members very often. In two cases, it's impossible. But I think it would be nice to check in on Ed Green at some point in the future. I'm not saying we should see that he became a private investigator like Mike Kellerman on 'Homicide: Life On The Street' (which I still contend would have made for a great spin-off). Nor do I think his character had the makings of becoming an author, but that might have been interesting in their "ripped from the headlines" way - do another spin on the Judith Regan story, with Ed Green as the Bernard Kerik avatar.

BEST DEATH SCENE
Harriet Jones, 'Doctor Who'

In death, the former Prime Minister restored her honor. When we first met her, Harriet Jones was a bit of comic relief, but with the destiny in place to be considered one of the greatest of Great Britain's Prime Ministers. And yet, it seems as though early in her term of office, the Doctor engineered her downfall because of her reaction to the Sycorax situation.

I would have preferred, for the main Toobworld's stake, that she never was shown as becoming the PM. When other TV shows were still referring to Tony Blair and then Gordon Brown as the Prime Minister, it just creates a giant Zonk when 'Doctor Who' has a different leader. (I can only hope that Steven Moffat will be avoiding the Doctor's involvement with the upper echelons of the government - Damn you 'West Wing'! You made everybody want to do it!)

But at least we now have the 'Primeval' reboot of Earth Prime-Time's timeline to set right what once went wrong. And Harriet Jones could be seen as the vestige of a different timeline.

The best part about how she bravely faced her demise at the hands - er, stalks - of the Daleks was that last insert of humor. As she must have incessantly done with everyone, she identified herself as Harriet Jones and the Daleks replied, "Yes. We know!"

WORST DEATH SCENE
Stephen Hart, 'Primeval' (left to the imagination)
Martin Kilpatrick, 'Brotherhood' (actually seen)

By worst death scene, I mean the most disturbingly graphic which would make the viewer recoil in horror and disgust. It's not enough to just fall to the ground, shudder a bit and then dramatically drop the head to one side.
We didn't get to see it happen, but in the final episode of the 'Primeval' second season, Stephen Hart sacrifice himself to make sure all the prehistoric (and a few futuristic) predators were kept trapped inside the facility. Locked in with them, the creatures slowly circled in, ready to tear him to shreds. Thankfully we didn't have to see it actually happen. Or even hear it.

As for Martin Kilpatrick, he was forced to shoot himself in the mouth in the finale of the second season. In the past, we'd just see the actor convulse for a moment, if that long. Maybe a blood squib would be set up for spatter on the back of the head. But in this case, the bullet exited from the side of the neck and the blood copiously flowed, bubbled and pooled on his neck as he gurgled, spit up more blood, and convulse like he had electricity running through him.

BEST DEATH TWIST
'Ghost Whisperer'

I don't follow the show, but I think it's a great idea - kill off Melinda's husband and have her relate to Jim as a ghost. Of course, those who do follow the show seem to be upset with the concept.

My friend Ivy had it right when she heard about the upcoming plot development: "JLH's character is almost as dangerous to be around as the woman from Murder She Wrote."

BEST NEW TOOBWORLD LOCATION
Royal Australian Observatory (RAO) in the Australian Outback, 'Supernova'

The sitcom was originally broadcast several years ago, but only just now showed up in the United States - so far as I could tell. There's only about 12 episodes, and I found that far too few. As with Fernwood, Ohio, Cicely, Alaska, and Hooterville - um, wherever it is!- I wanted to hang out at the Observatory with its quirky scientists and the local population.

BEST NEW ALTERNATE TV DIMENSION
'Doctor Who' - "Turn Left"

Even though Donna Noble and Rose Tyler were able to "put right what once went wrong" as they used to say on 'Quantum Leap', that altered dimension still existed - at least as far as I understand Professor Everett's "Many Earths" theory. It definitely was not a place you'd want to visit, let alone live in!

BEST LINE

There's never just one winner in this category. I'm always collecting great lines of dialogue, so it would have been impossible for me to winnow it down to one that just blew me away to the exclusion of all others. But these four were definitely at the top of the list this year:

"I once saw a horse kill a clown." - Parker, 'Leverage'

"He's like a Television with only one channel... and not a very good one." - Andi, 'Kyle XY'

"I'm so hungry I could kill a child." - Earl's Mother, 'My Name Is Earl'

"I don't owe you a turd on Christmas." - Earl's Dad, 'My Name Is Earl'

BEST POETRY
'Face The Nation'

Not a category that would show up year in, year out. But this was charming, and considering the source, quite unexpected....

From 12/21/08:

Finally, a little explanation here.
You have been watching TV and looking at me,
and you may see that something's not right.
I'm puffed up like a toad who's been down a hard road.
You're thinking maybe I got in a fight.

Is it a plug of tobacco or a face-lift gone wacko
that gives me this joker's leer?
Are the holiday rounds just adding on pounds?
Mr. Christmas fat face, that's me this year.

Well, thank you for asking, it won't be long lasting.
Dental work has made me balloon.
But Doctors Cohen and Miller, who combined on this thriller,
say the swelling goes down real soon.

In fact, you should have seen me yesterday.
- Bob Schieffer

BEST SPEECH/MONOLOGUE
'Gavin & Stacey'

On her wedding day, Stacey West was given a letter that her father wrote to her in case he wasn't around for the occasion (which he wasn't). Unable to bear reading it herself, she handed it back to her Uncle Bryn and asked him to read it to her.....

"Dear Stacey,If you're reading this, it must be your wedding day. But if it is not, and Bryn has just left it just lying around, then tell him he's a waste of space and never could be trusted to do anything properly.

When I think back to the day you were born, I was the happiest man on the planet. I won't lie to you, Stace, and I'm not ashamed to say it... but I cried. Buckets!

But I never imagined in a million years that I wouldn't be with you on your wedding day; walking you down the aisle; and giving you away.

So sorry I'm not there for you today, Stace. Not in body anyway, but I'll be there in spirit.

And please remember whenever you need me, I'll be listening. Because you'll never stop being my beautiful baby girl.

Have a wonderful, wonderful day, my darling. I love you always. Dad"

If you're able to watch that scene and not be moved, I don't want to know you.

BEST DIALOGUE EXCHANGE
'Torchwood'
Gwen Cooper: Have you ever eaten alien meat?
Captain Jack: Yeah.
Gwen Cooper: Well? What was it like?
Captain Jack: He seemed to enjoy it.

Gotta love that Jack!

SADDEST SIGN-OFF LINE
'Double Shot At Love'

"I have so much to offer. I have a good heart. It's there. It's so big. Maybe it's a little bit hidden." - Kandice Hutchison

Kandice died in a car crash after she was eliminated from the competition.

BEST NEW THEME SONG
'New Tricks'

It's new for me anyway. I have a feeling a lot of people think that Dennis Waterman (who also co-stars in the series) singing this twangy C&W-styled number is out of place for a show about retired detectives working on closed cases. But the show does have a lighter tone than most in that genre, and I think the song helps set that mood.

BEST NEW THEME MUSIC
'The Mentalist'

But for the best theme music, no lyrics, I'm going with 'The Mentalist'. It's simple, minimalist even, and yet it doesn't get stuck in your head to annoy you for days. Something about it makes me want to segue right into the theme music for 'thirtySOMETHING'.

BEST MUSICAL MOMENT

Sarah Silverman & Matt Damon,
"I'm F#@%ing Matt Damon"
- 'Jimmy Kimmel Live'
Jimmy Kimmel & Ben Affleck (and others),
"I'm F#@%ing Ben Affleck"
- 'Jimmy Kimmel Live'

Even more awards tomorrow!

BCnU!
Toby O'B