Fire Down Below

This may undercut my message about taking art and gaming seriously, but I love this movie.

I know, I know. It has many flaws.

Like completely inappropriate clothing for Steven Seagal. Contrary to popular belief, black does not go with everything. I have a hard time believing you are seriously working on fixing someone's porch steps when you are wearing a black leather jacket. In the summer. Dude, it has to be hot as hell. Take off that jacket! You stick out like a sore thumb in Kentucky, bud. I would ditch the jacket and put on a wife-beater or something. Damn.

And then you have a scene where Steven Seagal plays a guitar. That should be an automatic ejection right there.

But this movie has the framework for a really really awesome RPG game. Really it does.

First, you have a crime going on. Everyone knows who is commiting the crime. Everyone knows that it has occured. But people trying to prove it keep ending up dead. So they send in the Stevenator. This is the perfect kind of mystery for an RPG game. Investigation towards a pretty clear goal. None of that stabbing in the dark bullshit.

Early on, he makes friends with a dude that knows a lot but won't tell him much. This preacher guy:

So Steven goes on a series of quests about town to try and figure out what's up. He makes a few friends, fixes a roof, fixes a porch, etc. Not quite your adventuring fare but you could readily adapt to another setting. And he gets hassled by various goons, including the corrupt Sheriff who actually doesn't want trouble but is stuck between the demands of his position and the demands of the corrupt people. I love how the bad guys are kinda divided against themselves in that way.

And all the bad guys are hilariously moronic. Led by the king of assholes, ultra-bad-ass extraordinaire, Kris Kristofferson. He is at odds with his son, who is at odds with the sheriff. Three quasi-independent but simultaneously in-the-same-boat villains. That's pretty cool to me.

Eventually, Steven figures out just what the fuck is going on and he makes a secret friend. I admit the relationship is a bit hokey, but it works. This dude spills all the goods on the bad guys and helps Steven a lot.

And when they beat up his secret friend, oh boy that really pisses ole' Steven off. He goes on a goddamn rampage. There is a secret/not-so-secret villain, also a lord of bad-assery Mr. Steven Lang.

Picture not from movie, couldn't find one, sorry

I am not mentioning the love-story weaved in here. Because the idea of Steven Seagal loving anyone just makes me want to puke. Though Marge is quite a beautiful woman, Steven should just stick with ass-kicking.

Anyway, I think this movie has great value. I watch it On-Demand whenever I see it come up in the queue. It is a great background movie when I am doing something else like folding laundry or washing dishes or holding a sleeping baby and I don't want to have to invest in a new movie and actually listen to every line.

But there is one line that you have to listen to in this movie. It is perhaps the greatest line of all time.



You know, I think Junior, if your daddy knew how stupid you were, he would trade you in for a pet monkey.

Don't get much better than that, folks.