My argument with The Rhetorical Gamer in my comments section today has left me drained. He got me all riled up by suggesting that he was taking a bit of a swipe at independent game designers like myself, only to clarify he meant no such thing. I feel like I am coming down from a sugar high.
So instead I am going to talk about some ideas that were triggered by this whole escapade.
Exposure
As someone who is currently employed in a very marketing heavy job, I think a lot about exposure. At work, I design things to be effective at getting people to buy a certain product. I try to get ideas in front of people. I try to push stuff in your face. And sometimes I make things seem better than they are, sometimes I gloss over defects and focus on the competition's flaws.
So when I engage in my hobby, I try to leave that kind of thing at the door. I am not really selling anything to anyone during my free time. The one non-free project I have was really basic and simple. I don't push it. I have made very little money off it. I truly did not create it to make money. I have another piece in the pipeline that I will charge for, but it is just to recoup the costs of some stock art that I bought, it isn't truly a profit-seeking enterprise.
In fact, I push my "products" so weakly that I bet a significant percentage of my traffic never realizes that I am giving away free games, much less free games in full color with good art and content of substantive size and scope. Some people probably think of me as just some opinionated blogger. Creator of nothing. Complainer about inane topics of little interest to all but a few people.
Meh... perhaps that is the way of the world now. We have so much data swirling around that it is hard to actually pay attention unless someone beats on your door and shoves some product in your face. I don't want to be that person in my off-hours though. I don't want to "always be closing". I don't want to be tooting my own horn all the time.
And that is not some imaginary boogie man I cooked up. I see people doing this a lot. I see people running around making a big deal out of themselves. Sometimes my aversion to these people causes friction that I don't intend, but it just rubs me the wrong way. I don't have to name names. You know these people already. Its kind of tauntological that way, eh? Funny how that works out.
For a long time, I have been accused of being some kind of big ego person in real life. Especially in high school and college. Most of it stems from a long history of going to the mattresses over politics, religion, and other topics. Know-it-all, argumentative, and similar epithets have been hurled my way. My favorite ever has got to be "you know, just because you are good at arguing, doesn't mean you are right". Ironically, I think it is precisely what that means. I like to be right, I like to get down to brass tacks and chip away at the truth. I am always looking for a better perspective on the truth.
Stuart and the Rhetorical Gamer reminded me of this by accusing me of it in this instance. But that isn't the case.
I don't have to be right. I just happen to believe that the truth lies at the end of a long complex argument. Sometimes I win them, sometimes I don't. Either way, I choose what I think is closest to the truth. Even if that means turning on myself.
A short while back, Roger the GS left a comment on my blog which read:
It's true of any medium though; the number of words you need to communicate varies directly with the distance from your own assumptions and opinions the audience is. And even then they still may not agree with you, because their opinion rests on axioms or values that you don't accept. Put it another way: if Chomsky wrote the book at the length he wanted, who would read it anyway? Especially knowing that at the end they may arise, convinced into socialism?
I wanted to reply, but didn't, saying "well, that would mean Chomsky is right and I am wrong. I would prefer to know the truth than believe my own BS, not matter how fragrant it might be."
So I guess what I am trying to say is that I really don't have a big ego, just a strong personality that seeks to get to the truth. I actually consider myself to be rather modest in many ways. I am quick to pan my own work, which I constantly look at with a jaundiced eye even when people try to say nice things about it. I constantly ask for serious criticism of my work, thanking those who engage in it. I don't know that I will ever be "satisfied" with my work. I am an incremental improver by nature. I like to perfect things over time.
In real life, I often describe the Agnostic position as; an Agnostic is pretty sure there are no Unicorns, but they haven't lost hope yet. Well, in the real of RPG design, I am an Agnostic. I haven't seen that greatest game, that perfect game yet, but I am still looking. I am still optimistic. And until I find it, I am going to be highly self critical. So much so than I don't feel the need to puff myself up. I don't try to claim my games are the best in the world, because I know they aren't. But I am still trying. I am still hunting that Unicorn.
For the next week, I am going to the beach with my family. I won't have internet access except to maybe check e-mail on my iPad at a place with free wi-fi. So if you are one of those individuals who comes to this blog, reads my posts, and never takes the time to actually read my games; please take this next week to do so. I won't be here to write anything for you, so use the time you would have spent reading my blog to read some of my games.
Who knows... you might be impressed. Even if you aren't, let me hear about it. Good or bad, just let me know what you think. Seriously. I won't take it personally.
Ciao
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