The Past Year: A Review
My son's 1st birthday is coming up in about a month. At this time last year, I was pushing to finalize Synapse. I had started on the game around Thanksgiving 2009. But in July of 2010, I was burning through the final work on my side because I had to get the game published. I figured that once he popped out of the womb, I would have to deep six everything I was doing.
What I didn't realize was that writing RPGs had become my entertainment, almost totally consuming my free time. This would continue even through the boy's first months of life. I released Synapse when he was about a month old. I missed my deadline. Errant followed about 3 months later. And other games kept coming off the line. Bam, bam, bam. Once I gave up video games and television pretty much completely, I had a lot more free time that I realized.
The degree of learning that I have experience in the past year is nearly impossible for me to explain to you unless you have undergone something similar. I have written so much material, both on my blog and in my games, that any illusions that I was a "writer" or "creative" person before that fateful day in 2009 when Synapse was first typed into InDesign have been completely dispelled. No. To be a writer or creative, you must actually write or create. I have done that. In fairly substantial quantities. And it has changed me.
I have said this to some of my friends and they always try to dismiss it. But I mean it sincerely.
When I look at my books, for the most part, I only see the errors.
You may see a lot of great things. I usually don't. I see a box that is slightly misaligned. I see a font choice that could be better. I see a malfomed paragraph, a typo, or I think of a better image choice for that page than what I chose. I see failure. Before you follow my friends' dismissive reactions, watch this video.
My feelings about my work are normal. That I know it is normal makes it much easier for me to tolerate. But I still really feel that way about my work. For this reason, failure to get nominated for an Ennie or even just some random critique dropped by someone in a cruel manner can cut deep deep deep. That insecurity runs deep because I feel it is true.
No... I know it is true. And as I struggle to move towards that top tier of skill, I have to be honest with myself. There are serious deep flaws in the work I am doing. I have to know that in order to fix it. I have to realize it to prevent it from happening. This is like Alcoholics Anonymous. The first step is recognizing you have a problem. Otherwise, you live in a world of denial.
And again, this is normal. So I accept it with no bitter feelings. But it just sucks. It sucks hard and I know that I face a long difficult road. There has been a lot of talk in the RPG blogosphere the past few days on the subject of quitting. Let me make absolutely clear, I have no such ideas. None. No matter how many fights and arguments I get into. No matter how many awards I don't get nominated for. No matter how hard it is to fight to the next level.
I am here to stay.
The Path Forward
There are currently three projects on my radar. One shines brightly (Novarium), the others are on the back burner. However, eventually the passion for Novarium will fade and I will switch off. This is my way.
However, I plan on making advancements in the next year along three fronts.
1. I plan on making a number of layout improvements in the next year. As a self-taught layout design person, there are huge holes in my knowledge. I am pushing to close them. My next post is going to be about a number of areas that I think need to be improved.
2. I have figured out a new marketing strategy. Not just new to me, new to RPGs as a whole. I am going to be deploying Novarium and Forlorn Hope in a way that uses this strategy. It involves a lot of research on my part. And there is some risk. It may not work. It has not been tried, as far as I know. But this is going to hopefully have an enormous impact on how my games are recieved going forward. I aim to bring in a huge supply of new blood.
3. I have mentioned several times already that I am aiming for high craftsmanship in my products going forward. If that means a slower release schedule, longer hours on my part, much more editing work and revision, then so be it. I have repeatedly asked for pointed criticism of my work so that I may improve. I have had several people provide me with some exceptionally good critical commentary on Devil's Fork. I plan on incorporating those views going forward as Novarium develops (after all, Devil's Fork is being rolled into Novarium).
This is the first real step into the 2nd year of design for me. Now it's time to start walking.
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