"PARA-TERRA"*

Last week's major crossover was a foray into the 'Star Trek' mirror universe on two episodes of 'Enterprise'. That evil version of the main TV universe had originally been explored in an episode of classic 'Star Trek' and in at least five episodes of 'Deep Space Nine'.

But it has been visited in other television series as well. An episode of 'Hercules: The Legendary Journeys' sojourned there, where Ares the God of War was instead the God of Love, Vegas Elvis style.

And the evil Federation chasing down the rebels of 'Blake's 7'? We might as well lump this series over into that dimension as well. Perhaps the Federation finally came into being over there once the Empire was demolished due to machinations by Spock after that classic 'Trek' episode.

But of course, it was still evil.....

I've always been leery about including variety show sketches into the main TV Universe. I'll accept the Coneheads from 'Saturday Night Live', Eunice and Mama from 'The Carol Burnett Show', and I'd love to see Miss Swan of 'Mad TV' show up in an episode of some sitcom.

But "Celebrity Jeopardy" of 'SNL' and other celebrity impersonation sketches should be tossed aside.

Still, I can't help but like the idea that 'Saturday Night Live' gave us a vision of sitcom hell with a 1985 sketch featuring host George Wendt as the evil universe Ralph Kramden.....

Ralph Kramden: This is too much! This time you've pushed me too far!
Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph.. the only way I can push you is if I had a bulldozer.
Ralph Kramden: You're a riot, Alice.. you're a regular riot. One of these days, Alice, I'm telling you.. one of these days!
Alice Kramden: One of these days, what, Ralph? Your gut's gonna hang over the top of your shoes?
Ralph Kramden: [ grumbles ] Bang, zoom - to the moon, Alice! to the moon!
Alice Kramden: Ha ha, hardy ha ha! You know, you've been saying that for years, Ralph. You're all talk and no action! You're just a big windbag!
[Peeved once and for all, Ralph finally smacks Alice right in the jaw, knocking her to the floor ]
Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph? I never actually saw you connect before, Ralph!
Ralph Kramden: Get out!
Ed Norton: She went down like a sack of potatoes, huh?
Ralph Kramden: Get outta here, you!
Ed Norton: [ opens the door to leave ] Hey, Ralph, let me ask you one more question - was it uppercut, or a cross?
Ralph Kramden: Would you get out of here?! [ throws Norton out ]

After that blog essay earlier this season in which I tried to prove an episode of 'Law & Order' ("Guv Love") was set in the evil mirror universe, and knowing that the "In A Mirror, Darkly" two-parter of 'Enterprise' was coming up, I began to consider what it might be like if we saw more of our previously established TV shows as they might have looked in the evil mirror universe.

And as those bad celebrity impersonators might say, I think it might have been something like this......

For example, since the movie version is coming out soon, let's consider what might have happened to 'Bewitched'. Once he found out the truth about his wife, Darrin might have led the charge to get his wife burned at the stake for being a witch.

'I Love Lucy' claimed Ricky Ricardo. But that wouldn't stop him from having an affair with the sexually frustrated Ethel Mertz; giving her a chance to sample his big "Cuban cigar". But when Lucy found out, it would have been Ricky who had some splainin to do - just before the cuckolded Fred Mertz shot them all dead!

And speaking of 'Law & Order', what about one of the franchise spin-offs? There would be no 'Trial by Jury'; all prisoners would be judged by a secret tribunal and then taken out to be summarily executed.

As for 'Will & Grace', there would be no noticeable change. Let's face it, all four characters are inherently evil already.

And now that they've received raises for another season - even after losing 1/3 of their audience this year, - so are the actors.

Agent Mulder would use his position with the FBI's 'X-Files' to help the aliens invade the Earth. In fact, Uncle Martin would lead that invasion by first killing a reporter named Tim O'Hara.

So much for 'My Favorite Martian'.

On the spiritual side, 'Touched by an Angel' would become 'Touched By A Fallen Angel'.

Here's a few snippets of what the dialogue might have been like in some of those shows.....

'Lassie'
Timmy Martin: "Hey, girl! What's that foam around your mouth? Aiiieeee! No, Lassie! Not my face! Arrrrrgh!"

'The Dick Van Dyke Show'
Rob Petrie: "Don't you see, Laura? I had to kill Richie! He was coming at me with no thumbs! And he had those eyes in the back of his head! He was tossing walnuts at me, Laura; I HAD to kill our son!"
Laura Petrie: "You've been using your Meerschatz as a crack pipe again!"
Rob Petrie: "Look, we'll say those stab wounds in his head are from a woodpecker, okay?"
Laura Petrie: "Ohhhhhhh, Rooooooobbbbb!"

'Knight Rider'
Michael Knight: "We're in the garage, KITT. You can turn off the engine now. KITT? The motor's running and the garage is closed up. KITT? Open these doors, KITT. Let me out!"
KITT: "I'm sorry, Michael. But I think I can work better by myself......"

'The Adventures Of Superman'
Clark Kent: "Ack! Jimmy! This lemonade you gave me..... kaff kaff!"
Jimmy Olsen: "It's laced with kryptonite, yeah. Sorry, Mr. Kent. Or should I say.... Superman? Now nothing will stop me from having Miss Lane all to myself!"

'Friends'
Chandler Bing: "Monica? How come our baby looks like your brother Ross?"
Joey Tribbiani: "Whew! I thought I was so busted! Oops......."

'The Brady Bunch'
Bobby Brady: "Mom always said no balling your step-sister in the house!"

'Mr. Ed'
Ed: "Ohhhh, Carol! I bet Wilbur never gave you this much to make you feel like a queen - even if it is Catherine the Great!"

'Family Affair'
Social Services Psychologist: "Okay, Buffy, show us on your Mrs. Beazley doll where Mr. French touched you......"

'Lost In Space'
Dr. Smith: "Ohhhh, Will, dear boy! You know what I need....."
Robot: "Danger, Will Robinson!"
Dr. Smith: "Oh, the pain! The pain!"

Okayyyyy... I think this essay has crossed way too deeply into the evil universe now.

Dreezil Drazzil Drozzil Drome,
Time for this one to come home!

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

*Giving credit where credit is due, "Para-Terra" was a term coined by the late fantasy writer Lin Carter.