One of the trademark things about Singapore is her swelteringly hot weather, and I constantly whine about it. Having waist-long hair doesn't help, and neither does whining, but it makes me happy that others are irritated together with me.

But I get irritated right back: because Singaporeans are so fond of saying the Chinese saying "If the heart is calm it will naturally be cool(ing)".

Whenever someone says that I get fits and start foaming at the mouth. Stop it already; that sentence doesn't make sense! My prompt reply is always, "Oh yeah? Let's put you into a microwave and see if it is still cool!"

Most people wilt under my malevolent glare and scurry away, with the exception of my friend's ex who replied, "You find me a microwave big enough first!" — which is obviously not the point, so let's not talk about him.

The thing is, if it is hot it is hot. Whether your heart is icy or not, your skin is programmed to feel the temperature (with the exception of those religious people who dance on hot coals or something)! I hate people who pretend to be smart alecks just because they managed to sprout a useless proverb. So? If I meditate I'd stop feeling the heat is it? Nonsense.

There are more. When's the last time you relaxed just because someone told you to? Or calmed down? I get doubly agitated whenever people ask me to relax.

Why do Singaporeans like to ask their counterparts to "Relax lah!" during an argument? It doesn't soothe my soul, it doesn't calm my nerves. It does nothing except to get me indignant about being "not relaxed". I'd box the next person who tells me to relax. No one can say that except my masseuse.

Here's another to your face: Be yourself.

Excuse me, but if I am not myself who else can I be? Even if I choose to be, say, Shrek, I have thus decided to be all green and uncivilised, so that's the new me. I am being myself!

I am also very sick of this one: What time is it?

It must have been years since that blasted Tiger Beer campaign, and occasionally, sneakily, when you are least expecting it, somebody replies "It's Tiger Time!" to the above question while you groan in resignation. Not again. That has ceased being funny around five years ago.

The early bird gets the worm? How about that worm now? Because he woke up early, he got eaten by that bird first!

Come on my fellow Singaporeans. Some proverbs are just useless, so stop using them, thinking by stringing seven words together it makes you a genius. It just makes you really, really sad.

p/s: If you think the style is a different, the piece is meant for *ahem*. Never mind, not supposed to say.