Sources are reporting that indeed, Jesus has returned to Earth. Unfortunately for humanity, only one individual appears to have been raptured into heaven, leaving the rest of us to suffer the end times together. The raptured individual has been identified as Michael Chamblee, a resident of Bramble Bluff Kentucky. Neighbors describe him as actually having read the teachings of Jesus and taking his words seriously.
We spoke with his dumbstruck neighbor Diane Little this evening. She said that she "never really took all his blathering about how we should love one another seriously. I mean, who sells all their stuff and preaches the gospel on the street. Sometimes it was hard to hear him as I drove by in my Hummer, but I think a few times I heard him say something about how we should not be killing brown people overseas or something. I just rolled up my windows to be honest. I thought he was just some chattering psychotic".
There you have it folks, the one true believer of Jesus Christ is now gone, raptured away to a better life and leaving us to suffer through death and destruction as described in the book of Revelation. Well, at least the parts that the Byzantine emperors allowed the early Christians to keep. Who knows what was contained in all those chapters that were tossed out.
See you in hell. Enjoy the apocalypse. Good night and good luck.
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